• Originally published May 18, 2008 at 12:14 a.m., updated May 18, 2008 at 12:14 a.m.

I belong to a group of genealogists online who pose some rather sticky questions asking for members’ opinions. The chat format offers a type of brainstorming and provides answers that are interesting, informative, and thought provoking. Here are some examples: “A woman was married, had children, and later in life her husband dies. She remarries and assumes the surname of her second husband. She has no additional children but she is married for a good number of years to her second husband before she dies. What should be the surname(s) on her tombstone? Is the appropriate surname(s) a function of whether she had additional children by the second marriage? Suppose she was married for only a brief time to her second husband before she died?” G.M.

Numerous opinions came forth and ranged from listing all married surnames to listing only the last one. It was agreed that to be genealogically correct, all the married surnames should be listed, especially if the marriage produced children. On the other hand, some respondents felt it was not necessary to list all the marriages on the grave marker. They felt it was too much information to be carved in stone and that researchers could search family and court records for additional marriages when researching a woman’s family history.

My husband’s family owns a monument company and frequently this question arises when family members are deciding the lettering for a grave marker. My brother-in-law, Don Jones, who designs many headstones said listing multiple surnames in large letters at the top of a monument becomes too long with name after name. He suggests that additional marriages be listed at the bottom in three-quarter inch letters such as the following example:

MARY SMITH JONES

January 1, 1920 – May 31, 2001

(Verse or drawing )

1944-1956 Married to John T. Doe

1959-1970 Married to Joe R. Good

1973-1980 Married to Arthur B. Rich

1985-2001 Married to William D. Jones

He offers families both options, but said that four out of five choose to place the additional married surnames at the bottom of the marker. He always suggests including the woman’s maiden name, which is an excellent idea and a great help to genealogists and family history researchers.

Another member of the genealogist chat group sent the following anecdote: “The father of one of my closest friends died a very few years ago. Her mother is still hanging in there. He and his wife had been married for a long time and had raised seven children. I have lost count of the grandchildren and great grandchildren, but my friend, the oldest child, has five children herself. The father was cremated and his ashes placed in a very large urn. The mother's plans are to be cremated when her time comes. Then the ashes will be mixed in the one urn and that urn placed into a vault that the mother has already bought. Half the family thinks this is gross. The other half is where I am, that it sounds quite romantic. I'd never heard of this before.” Barbara

Finally, here is one that could make any genealogist pull his or her hair out by the roots: “My grandmother was married and divorced twice. Her first husband, my grandfather, died when my father was in his teens, but apparently after the second marriage (this whole situation was not discussed in my family; I found out about it in a somewhat roundabout way). My grandfather had remarried after the divorce (I found out about *that* from his death certificate, once I started doing genealogical research!). When he died, his body was shipped from Kansas City to Illinois and buried in the cemetery with his mother. After her second divorce, my grandmother took back her first married name so her surname would match that of my father, her only child. When she died, she was buried under that name in the town in Texas where she died.” Christine

Gravestone markings and burial directions can be very interesting as well as confusing; but no one said genealogical research was easy. Sometimes it can be nerve-wracking and even get a bit sticky.

Happy researching.

Send e-mail genealogy queries to mjones@vicad.com. For regular mail, enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope for a reply. Victoria County Genealogical Society members will research queries requiring extensive study. Mail queries to Relatively Speaking, c/o Victoria Advocate, P.O. Box 1518, Victoria, TX 77902.

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