Today, in chupacabra news ...
A lawsuit over an injury that occurred on the 2008 set of the "Chupacabra II: Even Chupier" video by the Victoria Advocate has yet to be settled.
Advocate reporter Sonny Long is suing the newspaper and "Chupacabra" star Aprill Brandon for damages to his hand and emotional distress that occurred when he took a nosedive and face-planted on an asphalt road during filming. Long is seeking $82 billion in damages.
"I didn't even want to be in the video in the first place, but Aprill blackmailed me and said she'd kill my whole family if I didn't," Long said. "And now, thanks to her, I can't get past the first level of 'World of Warcraft' because my thumb is all wonky."
Brandon retorted Long's claim by saying, "Who the heck is Sonny Long?"
"I've never even met that whiny little wanna-be reporter, and I certainly wouldn't acquaint myself with losers who cry and moan just because all their fingernails got ripped off," she added. "Now where is that stupid intern with my latte?"
Amid all the hype surrounding the mythical chupacabra creature, another mythical creature is striking back.
South Texas legend Wild Man of the Navidad is in talks with MTV to star in his own reality TV show, tentatively titled "The Wild Man Next Door." Once feared and reviled, as well as the hot topic of scary campfire stories, the Wild Man's popularity has waned in recent years as the chupacabra's fame has only become more notorious. The show is his attempt to once again reclaim his legendary status as the most fearsome creature in Texas, he said.
"I mean, seriously? Seriously? I'm being edged out by a coyote with mange?" he said. "I bet Bigfoot doesn't have to put up with this crap."
A self-proclaimed chupacabra expert has been slapped with a restraining order by the History Channel, after allegedly stalking the channel's top executives.
Victoria Advocate reporter Aprill Brandon reportedly has been trying to get on the channel to talk about the chupacabra under the guise of being an expert on the creature. She allegedly has been making numerous phone calls and sending e-mails to the executives that have steadily gotten more threatening.
"She said if I don't put her into one of our 'Monster Quest' shows, she'd rip out all my fingers," one executive, who wished to remain anonymous, said. "Then she just kept yelling 'Goat Sucker!' over and over again while giggling. I fear for my life."
A man-sized gorilla suit has disappeared from a local Halloween store. This is the second time the store has been robbed and a gorilla suit taken.
Authorities currently have no leads in the case.
In other news, newspaper sales are up, thanks to an increase in chupacabra sightings this year.