First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes WHAT!?
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February 28.
No longer will this day be associated with...OK, well, technically this day isn't really associated with anything. But from here on out, it is a day that will live in infamy.
It is now, forevermore, the day I suckered some poor schmuck into marrying me.
Yes, dear friends, my fiance and I finally picked our wedding date and with only a minimum amount of hair pulling and eye gouging (and to think it only took us 11 months of being engaged to realize that planning a wedding involves more than just sitting on the couch and watching "Bridezillas").
Coming from a giant extended family that makes the "18 Kids and Counting" Duggar family look like lightweights, and being among the last of the singles in that said family, no one was more thrilled to hear this news than my relatives. In fact, on a recent trip home to Ohio, they even threw me an impromptu engagement party/family reunion shindig.
Now, it has been years since I've seen the majority of my family, let alone seen them all together (well, excluding that time they were called as character witnesses by the prosecution at that pesky criminal trial of mine). And apparently during this absence, a baby bomb detonated, leaving in its wake dozens of infants that leak from every orifice.
With 30-odd cousins and all of them reproducing like bunnies listening to Barry White on repeat, I continually had some cherub-faced youngster thrust into my lap at the reunion, followed by the words "this will be good practice for you."
Now believe it or not, children love me. I know! I was as shocked as you to find this out. But for whatever reason, babies, toddlers, children, tweens, hobbits, you name it, seem to really take a shine to me. If I had to guess, it probably has something to do with having similar maturity levels, but then again, I'm no scientist.
And, believe it or not again, I actually really love children...for breakfast. With a nice dish of orphaned puppies on the side.
Ha! I kid. I really do love children and not just as part of a well-balanced diet. Having grown up around them my whole life, I can sling a kid on my hip and play "toss-the-baby-in-the-air-until-they-puke" with the best of them. I've even changed a diaper or two with minimal heaving and gagging.
But considering I'm still adjusting to the bigness that is my impending nuptials, and considering that if my dogs didn't alert me daily to their empty food bowls they'd be dead, being a mother scares me more than seeing a photo of Madonna without makeup on.
I mean, if you're a mom, then you actually are the person people hand the child back to when it's screaming, rather than the much more fun other way around.
Not to mention, children are usually preceded by pregnancy. And sure, while pregnancy has its perks, such as a free license to eat pickles and ice cream at all hours of the day, unfortunately, pregnancy typically ends in labor. Now, I'm not real certain of the mechanics of how a small fetus can torture a grown woman so thoroughly, but I've seen enough chick flicks to know I don't want to find out anytime soon.
There is no doubt that children will be in my future (much to the chagrin of Child Protective Services, I'm sure). But until then, I'm good with just practicing. Besides, my lovely (and very fertile) family is currently doing just fine going forth and multiplying without my help.
Aprill Brandon is a reporter for the Victoria Advocate. And no, she's not pregnant. She just had a big lunch.
Comments
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes WHAT!?
October 20, 2009 at 5:18 p.m.April, you do write geat articles, but to answer your question from a husbands standpoint... How about "A never ending nightmare". No that's a bit nice, maybe " A lifetime of hell". Still to nice!
I'll come up with something here shortly to accurately describe what comes next.
J...Ah, okay. That's one I seldom watched and didn't remember the theme music.
September 30, 2009 at 5:25 p.m.J...I didn't think you were old enough to know about that song. It brought back memories.
September 30, 2009 at 12:48 p.m.sandwichh..."when you get old the kids are more grown up to put up with your elderly problems. ;)"
Remember to treat them nicely. THEY'RE the ones who will choose your nurseing home :)
September 30, 2009 at 12:45 p.m.We were married about 3 years before the first son came along. It was a SURPRISE! Remember, it is true. Only one thing is fool proof, DON'T DO IT! Right.
Not "ready for them" but they came. Another 4 years later. But I would not change it. You will miss them after they leave.
Some say have them quick, some say wait, some say never...
Looking back, I'm glad they came quick. I can see some who need to wait. Being younger your more energetic, healthy, grandparents are younger.
Plus, when you get old the kids are more grown up to put up with your elderly problems. ;)
September 30, 2009 at 11:45 a.m.I enjoyed reading this column, Aprill. As for children, mine have been one of the biggest blessings in my life.
Nothing like raising children to humble you, to make you see the world differently, and to give opportunities to multiply your love in a way like no other.
Best wishes on all your wedding plans. Have a blast planning it- as well as your honeymoon!
September 24, 2009 at 10:47 a.m.Aprill...VISDmom is absolutely right. Kids DON'T have to immideately follow the wedding bells. It's been 37 years for my wife and me and, two dogs later, we still haven't experienced the urge to have kids. There ARE vaccines for that "baby virus" coolgranny wrote about.
September 23, 2009 at 9:37 a.m.You crack me up! Nice morning read. Are relatives from Sandusky? Enjoy your hub for a while before the "I want a baby" virus hits. Unfortunately, it hits the best of us... I was never going to have babies....two boys later....never a regret, but when I decided to have them.
September 23, 2009 at 8:11 a.m.Aprill, #1 - congrats on your (finally) approaching wedding date! And I agree with lucycou...I love reading your columns. They bring a smile to my day.
And you know...kids don't have to immediately follow the wedding bells...they can wait. You are hardly at the end of your child-bearing years, after all! Have fun at the start of your marriage.
Best wishes to you and your fiance.
September 23, 2009 at 7:10 a.m.Oh Aprill, I always love to read your columns. :D This one had me laughing the entire way through. Let's have babies together! Well, not TOGETHER, but... ya know, around the same time. :D
September 22, 2009 at 7:40 p.m.