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Aprill Brandon column: The 29 things I've learned in 29 years

By APRILL BRANDON
June 3, 2010 at 1:03 a.m.


Well, it had to happen sometime. I'm about to embark on the last year of my 20s. My birthday is right around the corner, and I'll be turning the big 2-9.

While I firmly believe age ain't nothing but a number, I do like to think that I'm a little bit wiser than I was last year at this time. For instance, I no longer haze our new interns by giving them a monster wedgie.

Now, I just make them sing "I'm a Little Teapot" while dressed in a gorilla costume.

And so, with this newfound maturity, I'd like to share with you the 29 things I've learned so far in my 29 years here on Earth:

1. One of the biggest milestones of marriage is training your husband to automatically get up out of bed and adjust the thermostat simply by saying "Hey, is it hot in here?"

2. It is absolutely impossible to resist yelling out "Leonard Bernstein" while listening to "It's the End of the World As We Know It" by R.E.M.

3. Everyone should get the day off work on National Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept. 19, mateys ... start practicing).

4. Kids know way more than they get credit for. Adults get way more credit for what they know than they probably should.

5. If you didn't vote, you shouldn't complain.

6. Never ask a woman if she is pregnant. Ever. Even if you are stuck on an elevator with her and she starts going into labor, still don't ask. Just shut up, and help deliver the baby.

7. Dog fur is the most resilient substance on Earth. No matter how many times you use a lint roller, it will still be there on your pants. Even if you're murdered and dumped in the ocean and found two years later, police will still be able to identify you by the dog hair they find on your pants.

8. Marriage is 50 percent hard work, 48 percent love and 2 percent milk that someone forgot to pick up from the store ... again ... Ryan.

9. There is nothing cuter than a monkey playing with a puppy. NOTHING. Unless the monkey is wearing a hat.

10. Somebody getting hit in the groin will always be funny.

11. Whenever I start to worry about mankind and our capability to do horrible acts to each other, I remember mankind is also capable of extraordinary and beautiful things, like Chuck Norris jokes (in a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, Chuck Norris would win).

12. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship (Chuck Norris jokes will never get old).

13. The chances of a fast-food restaurant messing up your order and forgetting your french fries is directly proportional to how hungry you are.

14. The fact that I'm still alive today with all my appendages and eyebrows in tact is proof there are guardian angels.

15. If there ever was a sign of a pending apocalypse, Justin Bieber's popularity would be it.

16. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All play and no work makes Jack a loser living in his parents' basement.

17. Even if you strung a banner across the kitchen announcing that the dishwasher was empty, dirty dishes would still appear in the sink a mere 8 inches from said dishwasher.

18. A day spent lounging on the couch watching the "Law and Order" marathon is a good day indeed.

19. Having two dogs puts you in the wonderful circumstance of never, ever having to claim ownership of a fart.

20. Nine times out of 10, anyone who starts a sentence with "I'm not racist or anything" usually is.

21. Pimples come and go, but wrinkles are forever.

22. It is downright impossible to have a bad day at the beach.

23. If you're waiting for someone to call you back, the quickest way to make it happen is to go to the bathroom.

24. Eventually, you just have to accept the fact that the clock moves slower on Friday.

25. There is no better legal remedy for a bad day than a bottle of wine and a sympathetic ear.

26. There is no better illegal remedy for a bad day than smashing the mailbox of the person who caused it.

27. Columnists are a dime a dozen, but humor columnists are a quarter a dozen.

28. Saying "I'm 29," sounds immensely older than "I'm 28."

29. That is, until the day I have to utter "I'm 30."

Aprill Brandon is a reporter for the Advocate. She can't wait until next year, when she gets to celebrate the first anniversary of her 29th birthday.

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