This column is about stuff
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BY APRILL BRANDON
Yes, you read that headline right. This column is about stuff.
Why, you ask? Well, when my editor hollered from the other end of the newsroom "Aprill, what's your column about this week?" I yelled back "I don't know ... stuff."
And here we are.
(I'm just glad I didn't go with my initial internal response, which was "your mom").
So now I am stuck writing about stuff. The more I think about it, however, the more I think it's actually a really good topic. As the great and wise philosopher George Carlin once said, the meaning of life is simply to acquire more stuff. And if that is the case, I am well on my way to nirvana, baby.
Six years ago when I graduated college, I could fit all my stuff into two garbage bags (the luggage of choice for all sophisticated new graduates).
A year and a half ago when my husband and I moved across town, it took a semi-truck, four cars, three pickups and a Jeep full of garbage bags (the luggage of choice for all sophisticated women on the verge of 30) to move all my stuff.
To be honest, I'm not even sure how it happened. One day, my stuff consists of a George Foreman grill, a Shakespeare bobble-head and sweatpants and the next I'm dangerously close to being a candidate for "Hoarders."
So, just like any time there is a phenomenon we can't explain, I came up with a crackpot theory. I call it the Fish Bowl Theory (The Why Do We Freakin' Need So Much Stuff And Junk That Serves No Useful Purpose Other Than To Drive Us Crazy Theory seemed too long).
Just like how a fish will only grow as big as the tank it is in allows, we only buy enough stuff that will reasonably (or sometimes unreasonably) fit into our homes. Thus, now that I have my own place, suddenly I feel an overwhelming urge to fill it with back issues of Vogue and 67 different kinds of lotion from Bath and Body Works.
Nowhere was this theory more evident than when we made the aforementioned cross-town move from a two-story apartment to a smaller townhouse. When we lived in the apartment, we had five TVs. Mind you, that's for two people.
Two people.
Five TVs.
Let me say that again, in case you didn't catch the ridiculousness of the situation.
Two people.
Five TV's.
But since we moved to a place with less rooms, we now only have three TVs.
Mind you, that's still just for two people.
And don't even get me started on my husband's stuff (suffice it to say he has enough comic book paraphernalia to make Stan Lee jealous). Even my dogs have stuff (I mean, doesn't every dog need their own Boba Fett-shaped squeaky toy?).
Even more ridiculous than owning all this stuff is my apparent compulsive need to take as much of it with me wherever I go. Despite the fact I have a home, which is specifically designed to house all my stuff, I pack as much of that stuff into my oversized purse as possible on a daily basis (and when I say oversized, I mean one of the Advocate interns could hitch a ride in it). Alas, once that purse reached the average weight of a 10th-grader, I had to also start carrying other bags with me wherever I went to bring even more stuff with me, including a camera bag and a laptop case (with extra pockets!).
Even at work I'm not safe from my stuff. Technology has made it possible for me to carry around a bunch of stuff I don't need on things like my cell phone and computer, such as various apps, old photos and videos, old documents, defunct programs and annoying e-mails from my mother asking when I'm going to make her a grandmother.
My life is increasingly being dominated by my stuff. And I doubt I'm the only one. People today own 74 percent more stuff than they did 30 years ago (pay no mind to the fact that 83 percent of statistics are made up on the spot). In fact, when I'm not out buying more stuff, the rest of my time is spent cleaning my stuff, organizing my stuff or trying to find my stuff amid my other stuff.
And ultimately, it's making me increasingly unhappy.
So why do we do this to ourselves? Call me a dirty hippie in need of a haircut if you will, but I highly doubt that the whole point of life is to work just so we can get more stuff. I mean, think back to the happiest moments in your life. Did any of them involve stuff?
(Naturally, this excludes the time you ladies found that perfect little black dress and you men bought that giant high-definition flat screen, of course).
I, for one, have had enough and am making a conscious effort to ban all useless stuff from my life from here on out. All I really need to be happy is my husband and my dogs.
And one good book.
Maybe a glass of wine.
That hat I bought in New Zealand, strictly for nostalgia purposes only.
Oh, and my new Daria complete DVD set.
But that's it. That's all I need.
Aprill Brandon is a reporter for the Advocate. Stuff spelled backward is Ffuts, which has its own Facebook page. I wish I was kidding.
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The Fish-Bowl Theory has a nice ring to it. But I was just thinking how gas expands in all directions to fill a container, then I looked up and remembered there's an awful lot of furniture, books and decorations in the attic. And the garage, and the rafters in the garage, and every single closet inside and outside the house.
"Aprill's Gas Theory" is probably closer to the truth, but has a rather unsavory connotation.
July 2, 2010 at 1:08 a.m....and as my Great Aunt once told me, "When is the last time you seen a U-Haul behind a Hearse? So let it go or share with the younger generation to pack up and carry on"....I think its time for me to do just that.
July 1, 2010 at 7:57 p.m.There's someone in town that is skilled in helping you manage all that stuff.
July 1, 2010 at 12:55 p.m.Someone once told me "You don't own your stuff, your stuff owns you"
Another person once told me"You know what you get to take to Heaven with you? Everything that you give away....."
that probably does not mean the materialistic stuff going to Heaven with you, but the good intentions of your heart by giving.....
July 1, 2010 at 12:11 p.m.Hmm...maybe I'll organize a massive "stuff" yard sale for all of us. That way we can all get rid of our stuff...although chances are good it will just end with all of us buying everyone else's stuff. :)
July 1, 2010 at 11:54 a.m.All I need is this Thermos. ... And that's it.
July 1, 2010 at 10:44 a.m.I could so relate to this article. When I left for college everything fit in my car, and the last time I moved 25 years later it took 2 days and the biggest Uhaul. And, I consider myself the one in the family that doesn't hang onto "stuff". I am thinking I need to reconsider that and will start de cluttering this weekend. Thanks for all your great articles and stories, keep them coming.
July 1, 2010 at 10:01 a.m.Another great article... I loved it.
I guess it finally hit me when the Victoria Public Library wouldn't accept my outdated books.... There has to be someone out there that still needs or wants the book " Secrets of Windows 98."
After many years, my wife has finally convinced me start throwing away things because she said" now that you are approaching 65,and if you have not used those things in years, the likelihood of you ever needing them is dwindling away.".... That's cold and true.
July 1, 2010 at 9:27 a.m.I feel like this article was written specifically for my husband and I... Something he and I have been discussing for months now that we need to get a handle on all our "STUFF". (although we use the word "crap" in place of the word stuff)....Hmmm maybe I'll use this article as a subliminal message to get motivated...Thanks April ;)
July 1, 2010 at 8:27 a.m.I love the fishbowl theory, Aprill. Very true.
I have a book that I read again and again from time to time to help motivate me to not keep things I don't need. I lent it to my mother because she is a huge pack rat.
She lost the book.
Think about how much easier life is without so much clutter. Having so much stuff takes away time from doing things that are more worthwhile. Instead of having to organize, wash and sort things, we could be spending time doing fun things instead.
Also, instead of retail therapy, maybe treat yourself to an experience like a trip or a day at a theme park. Or beer. Lots of beer.
Watching "Hoarders" is good motivation, too.
June 30, 2010 at 8:56 p.m.I would have totally said "your mom".
I've only been out of college for a year, and yet I have twice as much stuff as I did when I left. I have no idea where it came from, considering I've been dirt poor until recently.
June 30, 2010 at 4:32 p.m.Great article. I agree exactly, de-cluttering = less stress, less stress = :)
June 30, 2010 at 4:26 p.m.