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The invasion of the teenaged movie snatchers

By APRILL BRANDON
Nov. 16, 2010 at 5:16 a.m.


When I first started this column all those years ago (back when the world was innocent and Justin Bieber free), the main idea behind it was to write about trying to navigate the world as a 20-something.

Oh sure, there were the occasional off-topic columns, such as rambling diatribes on Ryan Reynolds' abs, but overall, I've tried to stick to that initial subject.

In light of a recent event, however, I'd like to switch gears for a bit and use this column to write a movie review. Why, you ask? Well, to be honest, this particular movie fundamentally changed me. It has rocked my world. It has, and I don't think I'm overstating here, shook me to my core.

So just what epic, life-changing movie am I talking about?

"Red."

Oh yes, you read that right. The movie starring Bruce Willis as an aging, retired CIA agent profoundly impacted me.

But let me start at the beginning.

As the movie opens, we see Frank Moses (played by Bruce Willis), going through his new daily routine since retiring from the CIA. He makes breakfast, reads the paper and flirts with Sarah, the administrator of his pension checks, on the phone. Then suddenly, his home is invaded by a bunch of loud teenagers shouting things like "Oh crap! Did it start already!? Hey Tiffani! TIFFANI! I think it started! Where do you want to sit? I said WHERE DO YOU WANT TO SIT!?"

Oh...whoops. My bad. That wasn't Frank Moses' home invaded by teenagers. That was the movie theater, where 20 minutes after the movie began, Tiffani and 14 of her closest BFF's filed in and decided to sit right behind me.

But back to the movie. Frank takes out the high-tech assassin hit squad that invaded his home and flees to Sarah's house. Having never met Frank in person before, Sarah is wary of him and tells him in no uncertain terms "This movie is going to be (very bad word) lame."

Whoopsie. There I go again. That was actually said by one of the aforementioned decimal-challenged teenagers sitting behind me.

Worried that whoever went after him might go after Sarah, Frank kidnaps her in order to keep her safe and the two go on the run. They eventually meet up with some other retired agents and learn of a dastardly cover-up that goes all the way to the top.

Or, at least, it was something like that. You'll have to forgive me for the plot holes. I was somewhat distracted considering every 10 minutes a silent alarm that only teenagers can hear went off, alerting them that their Milk Dud supply was dangerously low and they needed to loudly get up, kick my chair and go get more.

Anyway, Frank recruits his former CIA cronies to help him take down the people responsible for trying to kill him. Some other stuff happens too, but it was hard to hear since Tiffani, or Brittani, or some other name ending with a "ni" sound was talking on her cell phone to some girl named Tasha, or Sasha, or some other name ending with an "ah" sound about how they were all at the movies watching this "stupid (very bad word) movie."

Even with their lives at stake, a budding romance between Frank and Sarah starts to bloom, but unfortunately I can't tell you much more because some girl with a name like Jennifer kept yelling down the aisle "Travis! HEY TRAVIS! Do you have to pee? No? Well, will you go with me? I said, WILL YOU GO WITH ME!?"

By far the best part of the movie was the pivotal scene where Morgan Freeman's character, who is dying of liver cancer, decides to sacrifice his own life so Frank and the others can live. In true Freeman style, he leaves them with a poignant speech, which was interrupted by one of the loud teenage girls repeatedly yelling "We're the sexy bandidos! SEXY BANDIDOS...WOOOOO!"

And then the movie ended. Or something. I don't know. My blood pressure was so high at this point, I'm pretty sure I passed out for a bit.

So, by now you're probably wondering how this movie that I barely got to enjoy changed my life. Well, it helped me realize I have passed one of the major initiations into adulthood.

I am annoyed by teenagers.

A. Lot.

Now, before you start writing those nasty Letters to the Editor, let me just say that writing this column was in no way my attempt to get back at these teens or to embarrass them or even to let parents in the community know just what their teens are doing when left to their own devices. No, my intentions were to let the 15 or so teenagers sitting in the second row behind the balcony at Cinemark Theaters in Victoria, Texas during the 7:40 p.m. showing of "Red" on Nov. 11 that I thank them for helping to push me into the next stage of adulthood (and pushing back any thoughts of parenthood by a good 10 years or so).

Aprill Brandon is a reporter for the Advocate. In Travis' defense, he also seemed annoyed that he had to go to the bathroom with Jennifer or whatever her name was.

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