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Life happens: The 10 Canine Commandments

Aug. 4, 2011 at 3:04 a.m.


By Aprill Brandon

There comes a time in your relationship with your pet where you have to lay down the law. For me, that time was last week, when my dog, Buffy, almost ripped my arm out of its socket because he saw a SQUIRREL!

Ignoring my pleas of "Stop it! Now! You are so grounded!" as I half-stumbled/half-ran behind him, Buffy broke the silent agreement we had (or at least I thought we had) that he would obey my every command without question (much like the silent agreement I think I have with my husband).

See, while dogs may be man's best friend, for women, they are more like children ... or in some cases, a boyfriend with a really low IQ.

As such, I had to get Buffy and me on the same page in terms of who was running this show. And so, I climbed high onto the couch and read Buffy the following 10 Canine Commandments:

I am the Human, your Owner, who brought you out of the land of Shelter. Thou shall have no other owners before me.

Thou shall not make any other Human your idol. Thou shall not bow down to them or lick their nose in an affectionate manner; for I am a jealous Owner.

Thou shall not bark in vain, such as when thou hears a noise anywhere within the tri-state area. Thou shall bark should a serial killer named Meatclaw enter thy house.

Observe the ball and go fetch it, as the Human, your Owner, has commanded you. For six times straight you shall do this, resting on the seventh, for your Owner is now bored and no longer wants to play.

Honor your mother and father, (thy human version, not canine, because the latter didst totally abandonth you) so that your days may be long and not filled with newspaper swats.

Thou shalt not kill, unless it is a spider in the house, in which case, your Owner commands you to eat it, for spiders are an abomination in my eyes.

Thou shall not commit adultery unless thou hast been neutered.

Thou shall not steal your Owner's underwear from the hamper and drag it out in front of company. Nor shall thou think it is a game when thy Owner tries to retrieve the underwear and run around the house in a playful manner, underwear still firmly entrenched in your mouth.

Thou shalt not poop in thy neighbor's yard.

Thou shalt not covet thy dog down the street's bone, or squeaky toy, or half-eaten dead bird, or pile of poo, or non-neutered and spayed body parts.

Aprill Brandon is a columnist for the Advocate. She also has a commandment for cats, but only one: Thou shalt not lay on my face and smoother me in my sleep.

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