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Life Happens: Unemployed journalist will write for food

March 31, 2011 at midnight
Updated March 30, 2011 at 10:31 p.m.


By Aprill Brandon

You know what I'm doing right now? Well, yes, obviously I'm writing my column right now, Mr. Smarty McPantserson. But do you know what else I'm doing? Lounging on the couch in my stained sweatpants from 1994, munching on some Bugles and watching old episodes of "Golden Girls" as I type this on my laptop, which conveniently fits perfectly on my Bugle-swollen belly.

Slightly depressing? Maybe to the unimaginative or ambitious. To the rest of the world, the above scenario is all kinds of awesome (and not just because I keep putting the Bugles on my fingertips so it looks like I have witch hands).

I am unemployed. Here me roar!

(And loan me a $20?).

This new jobless state of mine (not counting this column ... although I'm pretty sure any work done with Bugle witch hands doesn't really count as a "job") has been going for about six weeks now, ever since my husband got a new job and we moved up north. And it has opened up a whole new world for me.

I mean, I have so much more time now to do all the things I never could before. I can spend an entire afternoon reading. Or watch all three "Lord of the Rings" movies in a row ... the EXTENDED versions, mind you. Or take my dog on long walks through the park. Or totally be that pretenious snot banging away at the laptop and sipping an even more pretenious chai tea latte at two in the afternoon in Starbucks.

I can even get up early and make breakfast for my husband before he leaves for work (like actual food, not just Pop Tarts and marshmallows, our former breakfast of choice).

Yes sir, unemployment definitely seems to suit me, which is odd considering that when I first moved to Victoria, I spent two months being unemployed and it drove me absolutely bonkers. Not having anything to do and not having any purpose in life other than to work out my "Law & Order" TV schedule (seriously, there is an episode of that show on somewhere in the world at all times) ended up making me depressed back then (especially when they started showing the episodes that didn't star Detective Lenny Briscoe).

But now, I'm older. More mature. Perhaps even a bit wise in my old-ish age. And I now realize just how incredibly stupid I was.

I mean, who needs purpose? Who truly really wants to jump right back into that rat race and all the stress of deadlines, long hours at the office and having to put on actual pants in the morning?

Well, not me, I tell you. Nope. I am thoroughly enjoying this time off and wandering aimlessly through life. Yep. Heck, I may never even go back to work. In fact, maybe I'll just become a housewife permanently and join a book club and ...

Oh God, I need a job! Any job! Minimum wage! I'll even be a meter maid or that person who dresses up in a giant animal costume at Chuck E. Cheese and gets kicked in the shins by toddlers! Seriously! I need purpose! I need a reason to wear pants again! If I'm forced to watch any more daytime television, I'm pretty sure I'll have an aneurysm! And if I don't find something productive to do, I may be forced to take up ...(shudder)... scrapbooking!

Oh, to be stressed out and constantly bitter again. I've almost forgotten what it's like. Enjoy the daily grind while you can, people - because the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's often just littered with re-runs and Bugles.

Aprill Brandon is a columnist for the Advocate. Will write for food (or DVD collections of "Law & Order").

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