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Everything you ever wanted to know about zombies, but were too afraid to ask

By by nick rogers/nrogers@vicad.com
Oct. 26, 2011 at 5:26 a.m.


They live next door. They could be your friends or coworkers. They have insinuated themselves into our cultures and lives, yet we seldom ask the question, "Who are these zombies anyway, and what are they like?"

Since there are zombies all around us, we should all take time to learn a little bit about their culture and habits. This will help you avoid those little embarrassing moments such as ordering steak fingers from your zombie waiter, or saying "What are you, dead?" to someone who may actually be.

To help you along, here are a few facts about our zombie brethren.

How do I recognize a zombie?

The first clue is a noticeable rotting smell whenever that person is around. If the person has been a zombie for many years, the smell could be musty. Another hint is when the person you are speaking with stares at your head and drools.

Do zombies come from other zombies biting them or something?

No, that's a myth. Zombies are the name of the people who hail from Zombania in Eastern Europe. Don't ever, ever go there. It's a terrible place.

I know zombies eat brains and stuff, but is there anything else they like?

McRibs.

What do zombies like to do for fun?

Play Twister. They're really good at it.

When did zombies first show up?

That's a difficult question. The first mention of these undeadites appears in a Brothers Grimm fairy tale in 1812. The short tale reads, in full:

"Once upon a time, a zombie ate all the children."

It should be noted that the Brothers Grimm hated children.*

Wasn't there a famous band called The Zombies:

Yes. They had big hits in the 1960s with "She's Not There" and "Time of the Seasons."

Were the members of the band actual zombies?

No. But The Rolling Stones are.

Are there any other famous zombies?

There sure are. Here's just a few:

Walt Disney

Dick Cheney

George Clooney

Mayor Will Armstrong

Tyra Banks

Bootsy Collins

Lassie

Anderson Cooper

Are zombies dangerous?

Not usually. Most zombies are good, law-abiding citizens. However, since they are technically dead and can't feel pain, zombies are freakishly strong. It's important to note that when a zombie goes bad, things can get really ugly. Walt Disney, for example, took out half of Los Angeles before he was put down.

There's a zombie guy that I like. Can I trust him not to feed on me when I fall asleep?

No.

*No, really, they did.

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