Revelations column: Never easy waiting on God
It's always hard waiting on God. And I've never been any good at it.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with impatience. I'm absolutely terrible at being still.
If I'm not running all over the place, my mind certainly is.
And I know much of the reason I'm always on the go is because I don't always trust my life plan will come together if I'm not making something happen. It's a flawed plan, really.
As much as I can convince another person to be still and know that God has perfect timing and a specific plan for their life, when it comes to my life, I often find myself thinking, "God, you are taking way too long to answer me."
I always imagine God sort of kicking back, staring ahead at my future, and giggling at me when I'm thinking these thoughts. I envision him staring into the future and pointing at his plan for me, saying, "If she only knew ..."
But it's not always easy to trust a plan you can't see. In the past, I've thought I'm heading in the right direction, only to realize a few months later that my plan was a total disaster.
I guess I've got the Abraham and Sarah complex.
That pesky impatience of mine really can steer me off course if I let it. And a pastor friend of mine told me a few months ago that even if I'm only off course by a few degrees, it could guide me so far away from God's plan years in the future.
I must admit the past several months have been especially frustrating. I can't remember another time in my life where I've spent so much time praying, and pleading and questioning everything, waiting on God to give me answers to simple questions that were always easy to answer in the past.
And it doesn't help that since October, I've been going through an emotional and spiritual healing and renewal process, which has, in all honesty, fostered some unusual and un-Godly behaviors.
I've made more mistakes than I normally do. I'm a little more careless with my decision-making, and I've made purposeful decisions to care too much about unnecessary situations, while forgiving less, and concerning myself less with the problems and needs of others.
In a nut shell, while waiting around for God to answer me and heal my heart, I've realized I've sort of been turning into someone I don't want to be; someone I wouldn't want to be.
That was a hard realization to make.
And when you make such a discovery about yourself, the most obvious thing to do, is change, right?
So, in recent weeks, especially since Easter Sunday, I've been forcing myself to be still and allow myself to ponder God's plan for my life, and the woman he wants me to be.
I know I can't change everything overnight, but I've decided I'm going to have to be OK with waiting on the Lord to show me the way. And that I'm going to have to get better at waiting.
Jennifer Preyss is a reporter for the Victoria Advocate. You can reach her at 361-580-6535 or firstname.lastname@example.org.