I, along with my Brother, two cousins, and two family friends were Pall Bearers for my Grandmother. Those thoughts are typical I guess, you are scared of screwing up in such a solemn moment.
As to the dealing with the news. That too is a defense mechanism. When grief is so overwhelming, the mind turns to things it can deal with and avoids while it can dealing with those things it cannot. I don't own a suit, being more of a T-shirt and jeans sorta person. MY mind too fled to "what will I wear" especially since I was living paycheck to paycheck at the time.
These thoughts mean but one thing....You are Human.
My condolences for your loss.
Thank you Aprill for a marvelous piece. The warmth of your pieces are sorely needed in this sometimes troubled world. I have been on this planet long enough to loose most of my family and each time the rambling thoughts of my subconscious were so much like yours. Thanks again for sharing.
Aprill, Please accept my most sincere sympathy. Grandparents are very special people and their loss is painful to bear.
Also, please know that you aren't the only one to worry about dropping the casket. I think everyone of us who has had the honor of carrying loved ones to their final rest has felt that little bit of panic -- particularly the first time we were called upon for that special duty.
So sorry for your loss. My grandmother was like a mother to me and a grandmother to my children. Even though the whole family was gathered around her as she slipped away, I still believed that when we woke up in the morning, she would be ok. We just needed to all go to sleep. I had to believe that.
My deepest sympathies to you and yours Aprill. I had hero like her too. Your title ( here on line) is my favorite. It hits a promising fly- ball. The last paragraph turns it all onto a worthy home run!That Pulitzer show up yet?I'm sure the mail is just slow. Thanks for warming my Sunday morning like few writers can.