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Advocate Editorial Board opinion: If doomsday is here, why are you reading?

By By the Advocate Editorial Board
Dec. 20, 2012 at 6:20 a.m.


If you're reading this, the Mayans were wrong. Or the end of the world is happening right now. Or later today. Or they were off by a few days. Who knows?

Truthfully, we're more than a bit skeptical of this whole end of the world scare. People have been prophecying doomsday for millennia. Humanity's history is full of Chicken Littles and boys who cry wolf.

But, just for fun, here are a few apocalypse possibilities we could be facing:

Giant meteor flying toward Earth: We would hope NASA would see something this monstrous and huge long before it comes scorching into our atmosphere. But just in case, if you survive the initial impact, find a place to hunker down and gather some supplies. You're going to have to acclimate to some radical climate changes once the Earth's orbit shifts due to the incredible power of the impact. Also, the earth's rotation will probably be off kilter due to the gaping hole gouged into the side of the planet. Find some motion-sickness medication and you should be fine.

Alien invasion: We hope the aliens would just drop by to give us the next edition of the Mayan calendar. After all, you can only fit so much information on one rock. But just in case, we advise extreme caution. There are two possibilities here: Either the aliens are friendly or hostile. If they are friendly, try not to shoot them just because they may have a few extra arms or elongated heads. We don't want to start an interstellar war. If the aliens are hostile, run, hide and start forming a resistance using technology and weapons stolen from our new intergalactic oppressors.

Zombie/vampire/mutant/etc. invasion: Most zombie stories agree the only way to kill them is to shoot them in the head. Vampires present a more complicated problem. Do they need a stake in the heart? Burn to death in sunlight? Your best bet is to find a secure location with some people you can trust. Don't take unnecessary risks and find a good melee weapon for when ammunition runs out.

Cataclysmic natural disasters: If the world is suddenly covered in horrific, syncronized disasters, your best bet is to hold on until things settle down. How can you avoid major earthquakes, tornadoes, volcano eruptions, hurricanes and numerous other incidents all happening at once? Just sit tight until it's all over, then start piecing civilization back together.

Nuclear apocalypse: If someone pushes the button and the world gets blown up, we think Victoria should be fairly safe. Houston and San Antonio, however, will probably be toast. In that case, we advise everyone to stay indoors as long as possible to let the fallout disperse, then start working to re-establish contact with other towns. Avoid the areas hit by attacks at all costs. Our best chance will be to pull together as a community and support each other.

But, truth be told, we're not too worried. We're pretty sure the Mayans just ran out of room on the rock.

This editorial reflects the views of the Victoria Advocate's editorial board.

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