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The horrid side of rock, pop

  • by nick rogers/nrogers@viad.com
  • Originally published June 27, 2012 at 3:18 p.m., updated June 28, 2012 at 12:10 a.m.

I have gone through hundreds of songs to bring you these periodic lists of, what I consider, some of the greatest songs in rock music. It's been fun, and I have listened to a lot of great music, some I knew, some I had forgotten and some gems I have never discovered.

But there is a darker side. Oh, yes. Songs that I had hoped to never hear again. But they always were, lurking. To embrace the light, you have to understand the dark. Here they are, my list of the worst songs in pop and rock.

"Lightnin' Strikes" Lou Christie

Aaargh. My ears are bleeding.

Christie's high-pitched falsetto in the chorus killed my dog.

"Baby I'm-a Want You," Bread

Baby I'm-a hate this song.

"Fly, Robin, Fly," Silver Convention

"Fly, robin, fly. Fly, robin, fly. Up, up to the sky."

That's pretty much it.

Over and over again.

You do have to applaud Silver Convention for writing a soundtrack for obsessive-compulsive disorder.

"Muskrat Love," Captain and Tennille

The things I do for this column. I had to listen to this song all the way through, and not just once.

I've been to the doctor twice since.

Possibly the most stunning factoid about this song is that Captain and Tennille were the third artists to do it. The first was the songwriter, Willis Alan Ramsey, the second was the band America. It ruined all their careers.

This means there were at least three times when someone could have told the artists "please, don't," but didn't.

If they had, perhaps I would still be eating solid foods.

"I've Never Been to Me," Charlene

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

"Mr. Roboto," Styx

Dennis De Young should never have been allowed to write songs. Never. I have no idea what he thought he was doing. This is the kind of song that, when you listen to it, ruins your life.

Styx broke up after this, probably due to shame.

"One Night in Bangkok," Murray Head

This song was written by lyricist Tim Rice, and Abba's Benny Andersson and Bjorn Ulvaeus for the musical "Chess."

If you think that this song would have that same kitschy, infectious sound that made giants of Abba, you would be very, very wrong.

This song is so bad, it makes me angry.

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," Wham!

Hooks are important to songs, they are what get listeners' attention. We have all come across a sticky hook, which stays with you, even keeping you awake at night. When the hook is part of a bad song, however, it acts like a bad illness caused by an infected tick.

True story: I was once driving from Victoria to Austin late one night and, to my horror, found myself singing this song. I banged my head on the steering wheel several times to make it to stop.

"The Lady in Red," Chris de Burgh

Will he hit the next note? No, he will not.

"And I have never had such a feeling/Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight."

Change that to "udder love" and you have a disturbing, but much more interesting song.

"Cherry Pie," Warrant

Huh, huh, huh. Cherry pie. Get it? Huh, huh, huh.

You want to know why the grunge movement became so big? So hair metal songs like this would never happen again.

"Butterfly," Crazy Town

So tattooed and pierced, Crazy Town looks almost like a parody of themselves.

The first time I heard this song, I thought God had forsaken me.

Besides the dreadful music, the lyrics are insipid and childish, with stunning rhymes using true, knew and you.

At one creepy point, the singer compares he and his "lady" to Sid and Nancy, which should prompt any woman to run, considering Sid killed Nancy.

"Drops of Jupiter," Train

You know what Jupiter is made of? Hydrogen.

Do you know what hydrogen does? It explodes.

That's right, her hair will explode, especially when she comes in for a landing.

Oh, the humanity.