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Life happens: The truth about cats, dogs

By By Aprill Brandon
May 10, 2012 at 12:10 a.m.
Updated May 13, 2012 at 12:13 a.m.


Owning a dog has a lot of benefits. For instance, you will always know the precise moment the mail comes. You are always well aware of just how good your human food smells considering it has compelled your dog to crawl, military-style, across the floor until they are hidden underneath the table. And you will always know ahead of time the answer to the question, "What's that smell?"

But perhaps most importantly, owning a dog, at least in my case, has alerted me to the very important fact that I don't live in a quiet, little neighborhood like I thought. Oh, no.

I apparently live in a place teeming with dangerous, unsavory characters. Specifically, characters of the feline variety.

Yes, there is a gang of cats residing on my street, threatening the peace and quiet with all their menacing aloofness. And every single time I take my dog, Buffy, outside, a turf war explodes.

Yesterday, we were walking to the park when, suddenly, Buffy turned into a bug-eyed, frothing-at-the-mouth lunatic and the following confrontation took place:

Buffy: "Bark Bark!"

Random cat: "Hisssssss ..."

Buffy: "Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!"

Random cat: "Hisssssss ..."

Buffy: "BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!"

Random cat: ... saunters off unnecessarily slow

This exchange, roughly translated, goes something like this:

Buffy: "I see you! Come here! I want to chew on your head."

Random cat: "You come here, [BAD WORD]. I dare you."

Buffy: "Ah! I hate you! I'm going to eat your face off!"

Random cat: "Good [VERY BAD WORD] luck with that, mouth-breather. P.S. Nice leash, loser."

Buffy: "I WILL KILL YOU UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD! AND THEN KILL YOU AGAIN!"

Random cat: "Bored now."

It's a well-documented fact that dogs and cats don't get along, no matter how many "puppy and kitten cuddling" Internet memes pop up on Facebook. But what I want to know is, when did this war start? How far back does it go? And what is the main beef these two have with each other?

Did it all start with Noah's Ark? Did maybe being in such close quarters for so long cause a dog and cat to get to know each other in the "biblical" sense, thus resulting in an offspring abomination now known as the Chihuahua and the two species have been fighting out of shame and guilt ever since?

Or is it simply ideological differences? That cats don't view themselves as pets so much as captives and so they are continually plotting an insurrection against humans, which the dogs are constantly thwarting because they love being pets and having their main responsibilities be eating, sleeping and pooping?

Or is it perhaps more of a Hatfield-McCoy feud? Some hillbilly dog drunk on moonshine killed some hillbilly cat and then the cat's relatives retaliated, killing that dog's uncle's brother and so on, and the current hostilities stem from that?

Alas, we mere humans will probably never know the answer. That is, unless the cats are finally successful with their revolution and we suddenly find ourselves being forced to wear sparkly collars and make boom-boom in a sandbox.


Aprill Brandon is a columnist for the Advocate. Her column runs every two weeks in the Your Life section. You can check out more of her writing at aprillbrandon.com.

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