Life happens: From waddle to swaddle
By By Aprill Brandon
Jan. 30, 2014 at midnight
Updated Jan. 29, 2014 at 7:30 p.m.
One month. That's it. That's all that's left on this prison sentence ... er ... glorious maternal journey of mine.
Yes, it's only four weeks until my due date (meaning I'm destined to have this baby six weeks from now as payback for all the times I called this kid a demon wizard and dragon fetus).
And I must confess, I'm getting downright giddy at the prospect of finally meeting the tiny human who has been using my bladder as his own personal trampoline. And not just because it means I finally get my body back (Although, admittedly, that is a pretty big perk. Heh, get it? Big perk? Anyone, hello)?
But walking around like I have a 30-pound ham hidden underneath my shirt is a small price to pay for (and there really is no other way to describe it) this miracle.
Seriously, my body is turning food into a person. It doesn't get more miraculous than that, folks. That is, unless the miracle involves wine. Booze miracles are always the best miracles.
Mmmm, booze. Man, I miss drinking.
But I digress.
Now that I'm close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (or perhaps, more accurately, now that my baby is close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel) and all the major preparations (such as buying pacifiers that make it look like the baby has a mustache) are done, it leaves plenty of time to ponder the inevitable big questions.
No, not "will I be a good mother?" Pffft. Please. Technically, we won't even know if I am a good mom until he turns 18 and is set loose upon the world. So, the way I see it, no need to stress about that right now. That's almost two decades I can put off that inner reflection nightmare.
No, the big questions I'm talking about are much more practical. Questions such as:
Have I ever changed a diaper before?
I must have, right? You can't get to your 30s without changing at least one diaper. A friend or family member's baby perhaps. Or maybe during my Claudia from "The Babysitter's Club" phase, when I terrorized the neighborhood kids with my fashion sense.
Or at the very least my little brother, who is 17 years younger than me - I had to have changed his diaper, right? Except I don't ever remember changing any diapers. And I feel like wiping a butt that is not my own would stand out in my memory.
Oh my God, I have never changed a diaper in my life.
Can I swaddle a baby?
For those of you who don't know, swaddling is the ancient art of wrapping up your baby, origami-style, with a blanket. Considering it looks like you need a black belt level of ninja skills to achieve this supposed swaddle, my baby will look like a poorly gift-wrapped Christmas present (complete with duct tape).
Do I know how to use a breast pump?
Nope. But judging from the scary beer bong-looking device awaiting me in the nursery, it will be a highly unpleasant learning experience.
Will I be able to do seemingly simple "Mom" things, like cut my baby's tiny fingernails?
Considering my dog looks like he's walking around on stilts because his nails haven't been cut since 2009, I will not.
Well, the good news, as I mentioned before, is that I have almost two decades before I have to admit failure as a mom. In the meantime, I'm going to head to the store to stock up on duct tape so I can attempt to swaddle my kid once he's out.
Aprill Brandon is a columnist for the Advocate. Her column runs every two weeks in the Your Life section. Comment on this story at VictoriaAdvocate.com.