Life happens: Why women should run the world
March 27, 2014 at midnight
Updated March 26, 2014 at 10:27 p.m.
By Aprill Brandon
There are a lot of reasons why women should run the world. For instance, most of us usually carry tissues with us at all times (in addition to the 52 other random items in our purse), which could come in handy when dealing with, say, a maniacal dictator who has a runny nose.
Dictator: "I will bomb your country. Death to (sniffle) America."
Woman: "Would you like a tissue?"
Dictator: "Why, yes, I would. (Blows nose). OK, fine, no death to America. In fact, I'd be willing to step down if only you could also give me stolen sugar packets from various restaurants and lotion that smells like a pumpkin spice latte."
Woman: "Well, as a matter of fact . (reaches into purse)."
But let me give you the most obvious reason we should run the world:
Breast-feeding, you say?
Let me explain.
I want you to imagine the following scenario:
You are in a hospital, where after 33 hours of labor and no sleep followed by major abdominal surgery (in which the doctor says, "you will feel some pressure" but really means "you will feel like the bottom of your stomach is peeled back all the way up to your neck while a bunch of rabid squirrels root around in your intestines"), they will hand you an adorable honey badger who they then want you to put on one of your most sensitive body parts, which the honey badger will gnaw on until it bleeds and cracks.
And then, you are asked to repeat that last part every two to three hours while you recover from this major surgery and continue it, at least according to the breast-feeding Nazis out there, until the honey badger goes to college.
Also - and this is the most important part - despite the fact he is ripping that extremely sensitive body part to shreds on a daily basis, you are not allowed to punch him in the face.
Even though you would instinctively resort to such violence should anyone else on this planet cause you that much physical pain, you must never. Punch. The. Baby. In. The. Face.
(This is a mantra you will repeat often to yourself).
Are you imagining all this? If you are, it means you are a man. See, because women don't have to imagine it. We are expected to do it. Like it's the most natural thing in the world. Like sobbing heaving sobs at 4 a.m. while your nipples are sadistically tortured is totally normal. Like contemplating chopping off your own hooters with a dull ax because it simply has to feel better than continuing to breast-feed is par for the course when you're a mother.
This is why women should run the world. Not only because we are made out of the strongest stuff found on Earth (evidenced by the lack of news stories of women routinely being arrested for punching their baby in the face while breast-feeding), but also because you buttheads owe us. If you exist, it's because some poor women gave up her body and her sanity to create you and then destroyed both a little bit more to keep you alive.
So, if you're a world leader or have a senate seat or run an evil empire from a giant cave hidden in a boulder that looks like a skull, it's time to step down and give that position to your mother.
She's earned it, damn it.
Aprill Brandon is a columnist for the Advocate. Her column runs every two weeks in the Your Life section. Comment on this story at VictoriaAdvocate.com.