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What I Hate About Geraldo Rivera
By Riverboat in Flotsam and Jetsam
March 12, 2008

I’ve been a Fox News viewer for many years. The Beltway Boys, Hannity and Colmes and Bill O’Reilly are regulars on my list of must-see TV.

 

I expect some controversy along with reporting, but not a circus sideshow. Imagine my utter disgust when Geraldo Rivera became part of the lineup of correspondents. My contempt for this eel reaches back to when he hosted a show which was a a cross between Jerry Springer and 20-20. He was interviewing - goading, actually - a hooded votary of the Ku Klux Klan. I actually rooted for the Klansman when he klobbered that smugly face on national television.

 

I knew that sooner or later, Geraldo Rivera would screw up his latest gig. Not long ago, Rivera had divulged sensitive information regarding military maneuvers in Iraq. He took a well-deserved shot. It wasn’t to his head, nose or hair, but his reputation as a reporter, which is like a marksman taking a shot at an overinflated dirigible.

 

Recently, Rivera managed to stoop even lower. Anna Nicole Smith has been dead for months, but our intrepid reporter unearthed more footage of her painted in clownface, mumbling nonsense to a camera, as if we expected forensic declamations from a woman with a pair of fire hydrants covered with lycra who married up – WAAAY up – to a kajillionaire oil baron who needed a walker to go to the bathroom three times a night.

 

I was suddenly moved to write a poem. As a rule, I avoid writing poetry, satire being my natural medium. The last time I wrote a poem was in high school 30 years ago for a girl I never saw again. I'm hoping to repeat that success with this poem about

 

TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT GERALDO RIVERA

 

I hate his blow-dried wavy hair.

I hate his beady Machiavelian stare.

I hate his phony rugged stance -

When danger comes he wets his pants!

I hate his mustache and proboscis

Which sticks out like a Polish sausage.

I hate his dimpled lantern chin.

I hate his Cheshire cat-like grin.

I hate each feature of his face.

In journalism, he's a disgrace.

I hate his arrogant demeanor.

He's just a trench-coat media preener.

I hate him more, as you can see,

Than Hillary, Bill and Ted Kennedy.

And now I hate Fox network brass

For hiring this pompous pain-in-the-***.