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Five Turban Alarm System
By Riverboat in Flotsam and Jetsam
March 25, 2012

They’re at it again. Someone accidentally put the Koran on the bookshelf next to Diary of Anne Frank. Worse? Accidentally burned one? Oh, that’s different. Now I totally understand their reaction when they killed dozens of people, including U.S. military officers. The Great Satan must be violently opposed, especially if he’s bringing luxuries like indoor plumbing and electricity to a neighborhood that once relied on women to beat robes with rocks to clean them, or relied on beating women for entertainment.

I’ve long ago come to the conclusion that bearded residents of Islamic countries aren't happy unless they're angry. And they're perpetually angry about everything. They’re nothing more than Puritans with suicide vests. They’re haunted by the fear that someone somewhere may be happy and willing – nay, eager – to blow themselves up along with innocent bystanders to prove it.

Want to try an experiment for spontaneous combustion? Put a Palestinian flag next to an Israeli flag. I did this at home. The Palestinian flag leaned toward the nearest can of gasoline the way flowers phototropically lean toward sunlight, then dipped itself in it and set itself on fire, instinctively attempting to ignite the Israeli flag in the process.

Interestingly, an ad for Red Bull in South Africa depicted a cartoon Jesus climbing out of a boat to walk on the water. He explains to his astonished apostles, “It's no miracle; you just have to know where the stepping stones are!" He starts to lose his balance and exclaims his own name. The ad was pulled the next day. Christians didn’t set bombs in cafes frequented by people who drink Red Bull. Nobody fired shots indiscriminately into a crowd shouting “God is great!” Children weren’t used as human shields while goading peacekeeping forces to restore order with force. Ad agencies weren’t placed under Fatwa by ministers, bishops, or priests.

Most people in this country are too busy with their own concerns to understand countries with more sand than sense. To help them in their confusion, I developed a Mideast Anger Meter. It's calibrated from Turban One to Turban Five. Of course, when someone mentions turban, I envision one of those things on my roof that spin around to release heat from the uppermost part of the house. So, really, this is more useful than I originally envisioned.

Turban One - Some woman didn't pull her socks up high enough after she left the house in her burkha between two male members within the first degree, drawing unwelcome stares from passersby, muttering “Zionist tramp!” Reaction – Woman stoned to death.

Turban Two - Someone's rear wasn't sticking up high enough during one of the customary prayers facing Mecca. A Saudi woman gets stoned to death.

Turban Three – A truck delivering a load of stones for the construction of a $3.4 million mosque in a remote village of Pakistan with a life expectancy of 29 suddenly has a blow-out, sending a rock hurtling toward a local imam, striking him in the head, causing a bruise. A village woman in Saudi Arabia is stoned to death to atone for the Zionist conspiracy.

Turban Four – An Iranian student at a polytechnic institute praises Allah that Einstein laid the groundwork to developing nuclear weapons to destroy the Zionist enemy. He is immediately sent to Evin Prison for suggesting that Jews contributed anything to the Glorious, Beneficent and Peaceful Islamic Regime, the concept of irony being lost on all Mideast countries near the Zionist enemy. Also, a woman is stoned to death in Saudi Arabia.

Turban Five – Someone in one of the western European countries not yet under the sway of proper Moslem sensibilities draws a caricature of the Prophet. A suicide bomber self-detonates himself in an orphanage in New Zealand to atone for the blasphemy, killing dozens of children, two nuns and a cafeteria worker. Headline in a newspaper in Saudi Arabia announces a woman is stoned to death. No reason is stated, but we all know that women are wanton tramps deserving of death by stoning.