Blogs » Musings On Muses » Things We "Could Have Done"

Subscribe


 
Things We "Could Have Done"
By joseexist in Musings On Muses
October 9, 2009

Things we “could have done” can weigh heavy on our souls. No matter how far we shove them into the back of our minds or glaze them over with present happenings, they seep thru to quietly torment us. It may have been something over which we had no control, or something over which we had total control. Whether infinitely small or overwhelmingly massive, trivial or all important, our actions at that crossroads are what they are. There is no time machine in which to go back to correct anything we ever do.

I envy the mind that can sweep everything under the proverbial rug. Those synapses fire in a state of bliss, ignorant and happy to function at that level for the duration of their lives. My skull hosts a never-ending rain of winces. Each one smacks with the imagery of a past situation, complete with sounds and smells. We can numb ourselves to the truth, and therein lays a dismaying salvation. Amnesia may work for years, or only mere moments, but it removes us from our actions or the actions of others, for a time. Then, when we are deep in the mental distraction of our daily routine, we trip on the rug.

Things I could change, I did. Things I could not, I could only try. Wisdom from such situations is usually bittersweet. Our brains are cargo containers. Our mental baggage ends up wherever we toss it in and a lot of the latches are broken. It’s a loose mixture of memories, good and bad, and of all sizes and shades. The scattered piles are, for the most part, things we would rather not handle, but wade thru we must. There are a few good things hidden amongst those piles. I know that analogy might not be what you consider anything near a representation of your own, but such are my observations of myself. I used to think I kept everything in perfect order, until my grasp was ripped from the ladder and I had to “re-discover” who I really was.

The pasts we all come to posses can sometimes morph into muses. We all have our opinions about various things but those viewpoints can change with the drop of a hat. The publishing of a news story, witnessing of a crime, an accidentally eavesdropped conversation, or even the simple act of passing by something and just noticing how out of place it is, are all tips of icebergs that jostle us thru our day. Hindsight sneaks up and delivers a shin-splintering blow. We will survive our wounds. We may not be able to change the past but the past, as we discover too late, has already changed us.

We live, and we learn. Clichés abound and we often use them like so much “burn ointment”. “If should’ve would’ve, then what’d would never’ve.” We make them up with vagueness or clarity as well as with any focus, or lack of, in between the two extremes. “Next time, I’ll know better.” “That’s the pot calling the kettle black.” “I got it, right between the eyes.” “Out of the frying pan,” you get my drift, I hope. We may not be able to change the past but we can sure find a million different ways to describe the same thing.

I could never find a way of putting my feelings into words when it came to a situation that I had an opportunity, however minute, to affect. A new band found the music, the words, and the emotion that does justice to what happened. By the same token they did it in a way that is a touching tribute to the tenacity of the human spirit. We want to succeed in this life and there are those who make the greatest sacrifices and pay the highest price. Nineteen people died that day. I drove by the rig parked on the side of the road that morning and simply thought it odd that it was facing in the wrong direction. I’m not beating myself up inside over it, I’m just a person with a strong compassion for my fellow human beings. No muse ever developed from the experience, but even if one had, I don’t think anything I would have come up with could have ever come to be anywhere near as good as that song did.

I try not to look back into the wrong corners of my mind too much. Every time I do it’s like a DVD stuck in a certain chapter, looping around over and over again. I try to remember the past so I won’t repeat mistakes. I’m not always successful but I give it my best every time. I do it for a few good reasons, but mainly for those who are now only somebody’s, memories.