I give my heart to my main muse as unconditionally as I can. Life has other ideas though. Bills have to be paid and those monetary tasks are the grains of salt that must go into the pot every month.
Paying bills provides some of the comfort I want the woman I love to have. If she’s not comfortable, I’m not either. I take the responsibilities on at arms length and do my best. I know she can’t always understand why we can’t do this, that, or go here and there on every whim she gets, but even a little understanding goes a long way with me.
I can’t always be there for Glenda. There’s a job I have dedicated myself to for so many years that I’m comfortable with what it requires of me. Getting up before dawn and not getting back home until whenever definitely wears on the heart. I try to make the most of the times when I am home but it’s always like trying to catch up with lost time. The task is impossible but trying is better than shoving it to the side and moving on.
What have I sacrificed over the years? My honest answer is “a lot”. What do I have to show for it? My answer to that is “my sanity”. About my sanity; I lost it for a while along the way to where I am now but I was lucky. There were friends all around me who leaned in to help with advice and actions. I was also lucky that God certainly had many, many angels in a multitude of forms attending to me. When life is darkest the light is brightest.
Whenever we are lucky enough to get back up after a fall we usually resurface changed. Jaunts down thru the valleys of pain, and darkness shred our character and we are tasked with every repair. Death looms too near and we drown ourselves in long silent screams. Mentally we feel displaced from the flow of time. Each moment is a forever, a fleeting, or a never.
From the first steps out of the crash we are fighting for errant pieces of our former selves. There usually isn’t much left. We gather whatever carbonized grains we can find and maintain an exercise in futility. The world we emerge into is unchanged but we notice things we missed before. That which was formerly taken for granted is now given hefty regard. Things that we can never replace will leave holes in our soul. I for one have filled many of those empty places with new things. Each time I’ve done so the blessing was fully realized and respected. I became, and remain, extremely thankful.
There is no shortage of inspiration in this life. Every situation is an opportunity to create something unique. Everything we are inspired to create is ‘unique’. The basis of that uniqueness lies in the fact that ‘we’, the individual, has created it.
We can’t always stop in the middle of our lives to entertain our muses. Afterwards, no matter what we’ve been thru, and if we survive, the muses are still there. They do not age as we do. They do not fade like our memories and our regard for them does. They are the angels beside us, inside us, and they are us.
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