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Why today is not a national holiday is a travesty. I mean, we can celebrate Columbus, a man with a horrible sense of direction, and yet, we can't take one day of the year to celebrate the greatest living human being in the U.S? Wait, no, scratch that. The greatest living human being on the planet?!

Nay! Any planet!!!

Well, it just goes to show you how close this world is to crumbling into mass chaos when we can't even pay proper homage to the universe's greatest man.

In case you didn't know (in which case, I'd be preparing for a roundhouse kick to the face right about now), today is Chuck Norris' birthday. Mr. Walker, Texas Ranger is now, believe it or not, a whooping 70-years-old.

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And so, me being the respectful servant of Mr. Norris (because in case you didn't know it, we are all his servants...this is his world, he just allows us to be in it), I have compiled some of the greatest Chuck Norris facts there are, courtesy of ChuckNorrisFacts.com.

  1. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

  2. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

  3. When an episode of "Walker Texas Ranger" was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

  4. Chuck Norris is the only person who can actually e-mail a roundhouse kick.

  5. Chuck Norris knows the exact location of Carmen SanDiego. Chuck Norris is also the reason Waldo is hiding.

  6. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

  7. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

  8. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  9. If, by some incredible space time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

  10. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.