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McWannabe
By kellirhea in Quixotic Quicksand
November 10, 2005

Just when society begins to recover, it experiences another traumatic shake-up. Just when the people feel it’s safe to return to their daily lives, the reoccurrence of the madness forces them to stare in guilty amazement as though they’re watching a high-speed train wreck. Just when we thought we’d forgotten about the hoe-rrific hoedown. Just when our eardrums had healed from the blistering “la-la’s”….

Ashlee Simpson is back to prove to us once again that she is a bonafide nitwit. In a video released last week, Simpson is shown in all her drunken glory harassing an employee at a McDonald’s in Toronto. She jumps on the counter to get in the employee’s face, betting that employee $5 million that the restaurant’s manager will be nice to her, presumably because of who she is.

In addition, she condescends to an obviously misguided fan, refusing to have her photo taken with him because he won’t “kiss her foot.” Now normally, one would think that she’d be wise to treat her remaining fans as kindly as possible—she should be thankful that they’ve given her a second chance after the whole SNL debacle. However, the most recent issue of Rolling Stone shows her new CD at number 1 on the Top 40 Albums chart, thus signifying that many people are still buying her mechanically doctored drivel. Therefore, it must be okay for her to treat fans like they’re scum on a soap dish since she can afford to do so.

You see, many people have called Simpson a phony, untalented pseudo-star. But we could surmise that Simpson really isn’t fake at all. She’s genuine…She’s the real deal when it comes to satisfying our wanton desire to see someone of celebrity status crash and burn before our very eyes. And she’s doing a bang-up job of it.

Thank you, Ashlee Simpson, for embarrassing yourself for our enjoyment. We know it’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.