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Existentially AWOL
By kellirhea in Quixotic Quicksand
January 24, 2006

The parking lot of the university is full once again. The syllabi have been distributed to the students. The classrooms, having been dark and quiet over the holiday break, are once again buzzing with intellectual activity. My fellow classmates (e.g., CJ, JB, and TitanKT) are beginning a new semester of knowledge intake.

Where does that leave me?

I feel like a truant. A curtain of sadness hangs about my head as I see others progressing with their studies. I’ve been trying to read books as often as possible to keep my mind sharp, but part of me still wants to be back in the classroom.

Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last two years pouring by blood, sweat, and tears into nothing but schoolwork and university-related activities. I went from editing the school newspaper, tutoring fellow students, and being vice president of Gamma Beta Phi to…Well, I don’t know. I’m a graduate. I should be happy about that.

So why aren’t I as ecstatic as I should be?

I still carry out my duties as the Gamma Beta Phi vice president, which means I still have to make trips to the university for meetings. Every time I arrive on campus and walk through the doors, the sights, smells, and sounds take me back to my undergraduate experience, which was only a couple of months ago. But it feels like an eternity to me.

Shortly after graduation, my body and my brain both told me that I needed to take some time to relax and regroup before continuing my studies at the graduate level. I suffered from anxiety attacks and a wave of depression came over me. It was at that point that I realized that perhaps it wasn’t school that was bothering me at all.

The pain was coming from the “What’s next?” quandary. I, for the first time in my life, feel qualified to get the job of my dreams. Consequently, the reality of the responsibilities that may be placed upon me as a dream-job holder hit me like a fist in the gut.

My life is actually beginning now. While my heart is still turned toward the university, my mind must learn to turn away from it and look for the good in what’s yet to come. I know I’ll never stop learning. I just need to channel the yearning for knowledge into productive actions and realize that I’ll always be a part of the school, no matter where life takes me.