I have learned over these past few months that you can't change mistakes that you have made in your life, you can only learn from them and don't make them again. I have been talking to my daughter for almost a year now, which is kind of amazing since we haven't spoken in 16 years, and it has it's ups and downs. My mistakes that I made were no excuse for not being there for her all this time. It was stupid reasons that kept me away and let somebody else step in and be a dad to my baby. They did a great job, but I'm kicking myself for not being there to do that myself. She turned out to be a very smart, beautiful young lady. I am now finding myself having to make up for 16 years of not being there. It's hard to step in now after all this time and hope to be accepted as her dad, which is all I could hope for. I'm not a person that is scared of much but this girl scares me to death because I'm not sure if she will love me as her dad or resent me because I was the person who wasn't there for her all these years. My mistakes were letting somebody else rule my life and keep her from me. But I could list every reason why I was not around and did not fight a little harder to be there for her, but that is still no excuse for not being a dad to my daughter. She never knew the person that she called her dad wasn't her dad at all and she found out the hard way, which I can only imagine how hard that is on a 16 year old. I've always kept tabs on her one way or another but that's not enough. I don't know if she will love me or resent me....
I just wish I could tell her that I wanted to hold her in my arms since the day she was born, be there every time she was hurt, fixed every bump, bruise, skinned knee, chased every monster out from under her bed and out of her closet and been there every time she cried. Mistakes are mistakes and can't be changed, only learned from....That's what makes us human.
Now the update, this was written by me several months ago when my daughter found out she had another dad, we have had our ups and downs, but for the most part its been great. We talk everyday but haven't met face to face, which I know can be scary for her. Friday I received a phone call from her asking me if I would like to come watch her play volleyball and of course I jumped at the chance. After watching the game I waited outside and to my surprise I had my beautiful daughter almost tackle me with a hug and kiss. She has finally found it in her heart to forgive and forget and she realized, after her step dad explained to her that her mom kept me away, that she wanted me to be part of her life. That first hug.....I can't explain the feeling of it but I know I'll never forget it. My wife laughs and says I have a permanent smile on my face. This was just something I felt like writing about today.
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Thanks. I just figured she wouldn't be in this world with my help, so why should she suffer. I never complained when it was raised. I figured even if I did get to see her I'd still be giving her the money so it was no big deal. It's my responsibility. One thing I can't stand is a dead beat dad.
September 16, 2009 at 10:42 a.m.Naw...that's a good thing! : )
I have to say also that I admire you for paying child support on a child you were never allowed to see, that says a lot right there about the kind of person you are.
September 15, 2009 at 7:26 p.m.Thanks VBB. I try to just keep my mouth shut when she gets mad and let her cool off. I'm doing everything I can for her, sad thing is I think she already figured out I'd do anything for her.
September 15, 2009 at 7:31 a.m.JR, coming from someone who has experienced the inverted version of this, put away the guilt & enjoy what you have now. She is accepting you into her life, don't let her down no matter how crazy her mother is/may get. Her mom really needs to chill out now that the cat is out of the bag, otherwise that will come back to haunt her more than hiding who her father was for 16yrs.
I never hid my daughters father from her, never kept her from him until he made some foolish mistakes that put her in harms way, after that it was visitation supervised by his parents. He didn't like that I guess, quit showing up. He pops into her life it seems at the worst opprotunities & turns things upside down for her. A daughter never stops loving her dad, so a dad can really damage a daughter, as they blame themselves for their dads absence. It is heartbreaking. (my daughter didn't make bad choices with guys, she pushed them all away, which is very painful to watch as a parent).
Congratulations on reconnecting with your daughter, enjoy every minute of it! Be prepared to ride out the moods, this is a lot for her to digest, so don't take her moods personally. Patience is king.
I am very happy for the both of you!
September 14, 2009 at 6:48 p.m.Will do superdad, although so far Three Rivers doesn't have much of one....lol
September 14, 2009 at 4:29 p.m.be there! She won't remember all the big things you bought her--its the little things in life that is important. A smile. A wave. A hug. Go to the games meet her team-mates. Basically just reconnect with her even at a distance to keep ole mama happy. This is like a second chance-stay strong! keep us posted on her season.
September 14, 2009 at 2:20 p.m.We text all day everyday. I can tell when she is in between her classes because my phone explodes with texts for about 5 minutes the silence. lol Her step dad is the one that's helping me. It's her mom that's not very happy about it. He has tried since the begaining to get her mom to just back off. I never got the chance to be there for her. Her mom planned on getting pregnant, with out me knowing, and once she was she told me to hit the road. Even after she filed child support I told her I want to be there and she fought me tooth and nail until I just gave up. That was the worst mistake I've ever made.
September 14, 2009 at 1:17 p.m.jr74- you go to all her activities. she will find you. communicate. your daughter needs you and is reaching out. you and the step dad be truthful and fair from now on. call/text her everyday. i bet she is the happiest kid in the world!
September 14, 2009 at 1:12 p.m.Thanks LOM. We have had our ups and downs at first. Her mom wasn't to happy about any of this but like I told her, I have paid my child support for 16 years and never complained or been a day late. It's my right to see her. I just wish I would have done more a long time ago. But that was then and she knows I'm here for her now, so I hope it all works out. I know it's gotten so much better in the last few months.
September 14, 2009 at 1:08 p.m.JR74..you can't make up for the lost time but you sure can help make a difference for her future. As RU said, A girl is who dearly loved by her Dad will make better choices in boyfriends. And that is so true. She was very blessed to have a good step-dad and they do make a difference but there's just something about knowing your real Dad always loved you and it was nothing you had done to drive him away. She needs to know that. Don't waiver and be there for every moment now and the future. It will be so worth it for both of you. Best wishes.
September 14, 2009 at 1:03 p.m.Her step dad is a great guy. It's her mom that's a little wako...lol. He has said from the start that we should be part of each others life but her mom will not have anything to do with it.
September 14, 2009 at 12:06 p.m.