I don't know what's worse: when I dream about her, or when I don't. Sometimes in my dreams I see her as she once was: young, beautiful, alive, vibrant, and smiling....always smiling. Sometimes I see her in her later years, still beautiful, but tired, weary....The dreams can be so vivid, I can feel, smell, even taste as if in a waking state. But when I wake up, she is not there.
The dreams without her seem to be more frequent these days. I fear that I won't remember, won't be able to feel her again. I worry that the only time I will see her face is in photographs. When she appears in my dreams, I always hug her. It feels so real. If I stop dreaming about her, will I ever have contact with her again on any plane?
Driving alone in the windy darkness last night, I listened to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" and it made me wonder: Is she anywhere? Does she feel anything? Can she see, hear, think? Is there an existence beyond this life where my mother is....AWARE? I try to balance things in my head. Being the scientist I am, I am forever searching for that balanced equation. It gives order to the universe and reason to our beings. I can't seem to make this life and anything after it balance in my head. Faith and logic escape me now.
As I watched the leaves swirling, whirling in the wild winds last night and felt the air growing ever colder, I wondered if she is cold where she is. I think that maybe I would like to believe she is basking in the sunlight, young again, glowing in the warmth. I hope she is. The last dream I had of my mother before she died is the way I want to remember her. She had risen out of the water in a beautiful one-piece bathing suit, her tall black bouffant hair inexplicably untouched by the water, straight white teeth shining in the sunlight. She was, in essence, reborn. Does this mean she would be reborn after her passing? I yearn to believe I will see her again. I feel her slipping away, ever so slowly, as if it were all a dream. If I could achieve a balance of having her in my dreams and having her in my life I would have less questions. Perhaps not all equations are meant to be balanced.
If only I could know for sure. If I ever see her again, in my dreams or otherwise, I would just like to ask her:
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And I thank YOU, Tripletmom for sharing your experiences. I can feel your pain; it is most evident. And I won't be one to tell you that time will help, that it gets easier. I think the grief just takes on a different form. It has been 2-1/2 years for me, and I think that the shock has worn off but the loss never will. I do hope that there is a "hump" that you will get over, if it has worsened in the last two weeks that whatever set that off will be eased and you will be over the mountain of grief you seem to be feeling now. My thoughts are with you.
November 19, 2008 at 7:34 p.m.Thank you for sharing SugarMagnolia. I really don't know where to begin, but just stumbled onto this blog. I recently lost my wonderful Mother 5 months ago yesterday. After reading blog & comments tears were flowing like a river again. The last two weeks have been so much harder. I visit my mom at the cemetery everyday, sometimes two or three times.
November 19, 2008 at 4:02 p.m.I've been told by many that in time it will get easier and the pain will be softened. I find it hard to believe since the pain is so strong. I miss everything about my mom. She was my best friend and she knew everything going on in my life and my girls. She taught us so much and was the rock of our family. My sister has my mother's strength, and I have my mother looks. I tell my sister that I wish I had Mom's strength to make it through one day without shedding tears for my mom. I wish she were her to talk to me or just to sit and drink coffee like we use to do. Our lives are so empty without our Mother.
I have taken double looks thinking OMG there is Mom. It is usually a side profile of my mom that catches my eye. I have smell her perfume while at grocery store and wonder could she be here? I know that my Mother is in my heart and in spirit she is here. I know my Mom is in Heaven and I will see her there one day, but until then my heart is shattered without her here.
Wow. I don't know what to say, except I am just amazed at the responses here. It strenghtens my belief that there may something after this world, after all. The testimony here of the vivid dreams and smells seems to speak of a continuation of life on another plane.
November 18, 2008 at 8:20 a.m.justmyopinion31, thank you for your kind words. Your words brought a tear to MY eye. I do hope I make her proud. It's the least I can do in tribute to the wonderful mom she was. RUKIDDINGME, I believe that you feel those strong vibes, and you are right that we should not only tell the ones we love how we feel, but SHOW them everyday. Rusty, I concur that certain scents will always remind you of a time and place, and mostly of a person. I believe it is your dad's way of being with you always. Hugs to you, too, sir. And Ziggy, I am astounded at the detail of your dream. What an amazing feeling that must have been. And your interpretation of it, I think, is spot-on. If there is a "Heaven" or an afterlife, I don't think that it is an exclusive place, but, as you allude to, INCLUSIVE and loving, and, yes, warm. And it is so strange to me that your father said the place he went to was one of "great understanding", because I always have believed that all the unknowable here on Earth would be "understood", all our questions answered, and all our fears calmed in that other place. So maybe there is something to that theory.
Thank you all for the wonderful and kind comments, and if this helps someone decide to give a loved one an extra hug today, then it was so worth my time. Bless you all.
SugarMag---
November 17, 2008 at 8:23 a.m.My Pop passed on approx 10 years ago. He was a heart patient and had died for a few moments once when he had a heart attack before going into surgery. After that event, he told me he experienced being in a warm place of great understanding. This was the only way he could describe it. He read books on the after-life, etc. afterward. We used to discuss this alot, as I had many, many, many experiences with the spirit-world growing up (to this day). Actually, one of my daughters is a very strong medium.
Note: Anyone who thinks I'm a few bubbles off, now, can meet me out back. LOL :-)
Anyway, another one of his interests was the Indian culture - my mother being a descendent of Chief Quanah Parker. My family used to go to pow-wow type meets when I was little and dance. I never really talk about this to my mom but I think we'll do the photo album thing down memory lane soon.
My pop was just a very cool dude. :-) Learning was hobby to him.
Okay---where was I?
About a year after his passing, I had what I've always termed as "one of those dreams." The dream: I was in one of those old cars from the 60s, riding passenger. I never saw the face of my driver, as I was busy looking a scenery that resembles Nevada and I could feel the warmth of the sun on my arm as I hung my elbow on the window. It was just a beautiful day. We finally get to this parking lot, filled with many cars but I don't see anyone getting in or out. There was a trail off the lot - never knew what happened to my driver- I started walking and fell into a line of people. The wierd thing is is that I kept looking down at their feet, never look up to see the back of anyone's head. Feet cladded in sandles, tennis shoes, flipflops, etc. I heard drums beating at a distance. As we progressed down the trail, the drumming and chanting grew louder. The line I was in reached a clearing and ahead was an old building - like a dance-hall (kind of like Schroeder Hall) or something. I looked in the clearing and there were Indians playing drums, dancing, chanting their song. I could feel it in my heart, the beat was so strong. The line of people (feet? hee hee) headed inside the building. I finally see my Pop sitting with other folks at this big round table. He looked so young. As young as he looked in my baby pics where he was holding me. I went to the table and he smiled and stood up. I told him how much I loved & missed him. He just kept smiling this peaceful smile but he never spoke a single word. I gave him a hug. It felt so real. He even smelled like my Pop.
After that hug, I woke up suddenly. It felt like being ripped from some other place. My heart was racing, like a quadruple load of espresso. I was happy, sad - gosh, so much emotion. This dream was so vivid, SugarMag. My favorite dream, now. Kind of like the Creator's gift to me.....kind of like my Pop's way of also letting me know something like - "Hey, Indians make it here too. It's all in the way you live your life. Not necessarily your religion." Pop had a way of doing that. Incorporating some little lesson to make it more exciting.
I miss his voice....sometimes thinking of how it sounded when he called my Mom by her name. I close my eyes and give him my mental & spirit hug, like my dream. I know he's around. He has a way of letting me know.
I can relate with you about your Mom. So from here at my desk, I give you a cyber-hug of friendship & consolation. Thanks for letting me share back.
PS: My hubby is a scientist, too.....logical thinking is his base but he's seen too many things in our house go unexplained. He was a real skeptic in the beginning. Somethings are going to be a mystery of God's.
SHUG: Enjoyed your post. Darlins64's comments about smells hit me right in the gut. As traumatic as my haircuts (real early blog) were when growing up, just the mention of them brings the smell of my dad to mind. See, there it comes again. Hugs.
November 17, 2008 at 2:12 a.m.Wow,you said a lot and I must say a tear rolled from my eyes as well while reading your blog.
November 16, 2008 at 1:16 p.m.SM,You are a wonderful daughter and I know your Mother is proud of you for the person you are today:)
Your testimony to the lasting presence of your grandmother through the scent of her perfume in your dreams is most telling. Perhaps there are bridges to our departed loved ones through other means than just in the brain. I have heard that scent is the most evocative sense we have; it in essence keeps "memory". Maybe the link to our loved ones through our senses is not processed only in the brain, but in the heart as well. You have given me much to think about, darlins64. Thank you for your kind words and your intelligent input.
November 15, 2008 at 5:36 a.m.Sugar Magnolia,
November 15, 2008 at 5:15 a.m.Reading your blog, I cried. It is such a beautiful tribute to your mother!
I know that the I am at the time in my life when my time with my mother is quickly ebbing. I cannot imagine and don't want to imagine, what it will be like when the time comes when I can't call her every day...
I have the dreams about my grandmother, who was such an incredible, loving woman. Sometimes, I'll catch a whiff of her perfume in the dreams and know that she has been watching over me.
Be assured that you will see her again! I trully believe that.