Newsletter
Entries for April, 2011 in UNCLE HISTORY
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 30, 1945: Wearing a bandoleer and nothing else, Anderson Cooper kills Adolf Hitler. To see more Uncle History, CLICK HERE
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And the losers shall dine on Eyeballs with Grease!!!
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 29, 1429: Joan of Arc leads the French to victory over the English at Orleans, France. She fires up the French troops by telling them that if the French lose, they would have to eat English cuisine. This morsel ...
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 28, 1958: Vice President Richard Nixon begins a sinister trip into Latin America in search of organs to harvest for American baseball parks
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
For the first time, an organ is used during a baseball game. It was a lung.
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Glenn Beck, Barack Obama, Japanese schoolgirls or none of the above?
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 26, 1711: Scottish philosophical sceptic David Hume is born. Because he didn't empirically witness his own birth, Hume would spend his life in existential angst, unsure if he was actually there. To see more Uncle History CLICK HERE
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Finally, something that Glenn Beck and President Obama agree on
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 25, 1987: Realizing that most crimes in America are committed by men who have the middle name Wayne or Lee, or who have the first name Jesse, Congress passes the Jesse Lee Wayne Act. The measure called for the ...
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 24, 1969: Paul McCartney's angry ghost denies that he's dead. To see more Uncle History CLICK HERE
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Emily Dickinson, badass Part 2
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 23, 1850: A tonic-inebriated Edgar Allan Poe is awoken early in the morning by a heavy pounding on his door. Poe ushers in a ragged and out-of-breath Emily Dickinson, who was dragging a sea bag containing the body of ...
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The rather large appetite of King Henry VIII
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 22, 1509: Henry VIII ascends to the English throne. He celebrates by consuming the Cotswolds. If you have an appetite for more Uncle History, CLICK HERE
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 21, 1878: First Lady Lucy Hayes introduces the first Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn. The event would end in disaster when four children and Vice President William A. Wheeler are absorbed into the president's beard, never ...
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 20, 859: Because everyone is afraid to tell him to use less perfume, Guntherus is named Bishop of Cologne behind his back.
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 19, 1939: 148 years later, Connecticut passes the Bill of Rights. The state realized only two days previously that the Revolution was over and the colonies won. Connecticut said that it was "too busy to keep up with the ...
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Everyone loves an hysterical man
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 18, 1775: Paul Revere and William Dawes ride through the countryside warning that the "British are coming." Revere has more success than Dawes, who rode through towns, yelling "Oh dear God, they're going to kill us all!"
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 17, 1937: Warner Brothers debuts cartoon characters Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig. They would replace the more unpopular and frightening characters Buggering Bear, Creepy Loner Lou and Suspiciously Suggestive Snake To see less of Buggering Bear but ...
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I'm gonna have to get out my hip-waders pretty soon
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 16, 1187 BC: Odysseus returns to Ithaca. After regaling Ithacans with his tales of daring and cunning, the audience responds by calling bullsh!t. Want to see more of Uncle History's bullsh!t? CLICK HERE
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 15, 1998: Cambodian dictator Pol Pot dies and the world becomes a better place. To see more Uncle History, go to www.unclehistory.com
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 14, 1961: Russia airs its first live television program. The show was called, "Simple and Downtrodden Agrarian Proletariat Become Wealthy Capitalists by Turn of Fate, Giving Them the Opportunity to Move into a Mansion Only to Disrupt the Lives ...
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The case of the sinister secret
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 13, 1970: In a secret and sinister experiment, NASA proves that the number 13 sucks when Apollo 13's oxygen tank ruptures enroute to the moon on April 13. To see all of Uncle History's sinister secrets, CLICK HERE.
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Sgt. Richard M. Nixon, defender of the Earth
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 12, 1961 Russian Yuri Alekseyevich Gagarin becomes the first man in space. Confirming Western fears, Gagarin convinces the moon that it is being oppressed by Earth, leading to the spread of Communism throughout the solar system. In a bold ...
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Warning: Do not Google images of Japanese schoolgirls at work!
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 11, 1868 In Japan, the Shogunate is eliminated and replaced by teenage girls in school uniforms, who shoot lasers from their hands and eyes. To see more of Uncle History, go to www.unclehistory.com
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Uncle History, it's not just for breakfast anymore
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 10, 879 Louis III becomes king of the Western Franks while next door, Jimmy I becomes king of the Eastern Beans. The two sides would war for years until the marraige of Prince Van and Princess De Camps, combining ...
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 9, 1850 Emily Dickinson kills a man, the first of several in bloody swath of mayhem that she would cut through America, leading to the greatest manhunt of the 19th century. On a Boston pier, the young poet beat ...
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Boo-Duh! Boo-Duhh! Boo-Duh!!! Boo-Duhh!
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 8, 563 B.C.: Gautama Buddha was born, or reborn, or not-born or re-not-born. I don’t know. My head hurts Want to be a part of Uncle History? Write us at unclehistory@gmail.com Want to see even more Uncle History? click ...
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Don't shoot me, I'm only the piano player!
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 7, 1954: President Dwight D. Eisenhower warns of the “Domino-Effect.” Fats Domino wonders, “What the hell?”
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 6, 1722: Peter the Great of Russia ends his tax on men with beards, opting instead to tax guys with mullets. The coffers, unfortunately, overflow. Today's Uncle History goes out to Sugar Magnolia, thanks for playin'! Want to see ...
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Put yer John Hancock right here bubba
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 5, 1792: President George Washington uses his first veto. Three weeks earlier, John Hancock, who was now governor of Massachusetts and still resentful he wasn't named president, sneaked into the House of Representatives dressed as another member and filed ...
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 4, 1841 Crouched in a basement corner, gnawing on a rat, Andrew Jackson is startled by recently installed President William Henry Harrison. Cornered and afraid Harrison would take his rat, Jackson attacks and kills Harrison, who had only served ...
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I confess to thee, you miserable white-trash rabble
By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 3, 1043: Edward the Confessor is crowned king of England. After the crowning, Edward confesses that he doesn’t like most of the people there, he’s scared of using the bathroom, his feet hurt and he prefers buggery.
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 2, 1847: To celebrate their survival and the new spring, remaining members of the Donner Party hold the most disturbed and uncomfortable reunion picnic in history.
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By unclehistory in UNCLE HISTORY
April 1, 1865: The Civil War battle of Five Forks is fought, showing the desperate need for eating utensils during the war