A satirical look back at some of the quirkiest, most eyebrow-raising things that happened in the sports world this week.

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What do you get when you cross soccer with Mike Tyson?

Answer: The player on Germany’s SV Preussen Eiberg team who bit off a piece of his ESG 99/06 II opponent’s nose, earning himself a most-fitting red card.

“He has indeed apologized,” an ESG spokesman told RevierSport.de, “but if a bit of the nose is bitten off, that’s hardly forgivable.”

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Headlines

— From the readerboard at Beerhaus Las Vegas: “Marty, I just got back from 2078. Canucks still haven’t won a Cup.”

— At TheOnion.com: “Manny Machado denies playing dirty after late slide into pitcher’s mound.”

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Worth repeating

The Florida Marlins announced the signing of touted Cuban outfielder Victor Victor Mesa.

Team officials can’t decide whether to start him out playing in Walla Walla or Pago Pago.

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Beware of ice

The cruise ship Titanic II is set to make its maiden voyage in 2022.

And in a related story, Vince McMahon just named it the official cruise ship of the XFL.

———

NFL sweatshop

Bobby Massie, the Bears’ 317-pound O-lineman, dropped 12 pounds while playing the Dolphins in Miami’s 90-degree sauna.

Tackle for a loss? No kidding.

———

Return game

Harley-Davidson has recalled 238,000 motorcycles because they have a clutch problem.

The NFL, not to be outdone, immediately recalled the New York Giants.

———

Chucky’s cheese

Last week’s luckiest jackpot winner was:

a) the person in South Carolina who bought a $1.6 billion Mega Millions ticket.

b) Raiders coach Jon Gruden, who got a first-round draft pick for Amari Cooper.

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Penalty on the play

The Broncos released backup QB Chad Kelly after he reportedly entered a home in Englewood, Colo., in the middle of the night, plunked himself down on a couch next to a mother holding her young son and began talking incoherently.

Possible sanctions range all the way from 1-3 years for criminal trespassing to 5 yards for encroachment.

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Talking the talk

— 76ers center Joel Embiid, to reporters, after goading Pistons counterpart Andre Drummond into a second technical foul and automatic ejection: “I think I own a lot of real estate in his head.”

— Randy Turner of the Winnipeg Free Press, on Connor McDavid playing for the hapless Edmonton Oilers: “Like Jimi Hendrix playing lead guitar for The Monkees.”

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Crash course

The pilot miraculously walked away after his small vintage Nazi plane crashed in the middle of U.S. 101 in Agoura Hills, Calif.

Raiders fans immediately rushed the 375 miles down I-5 just to see what a touchdown looks like.

———

Quote marks

— Jim Barach of JokesByJim.blogspot.com, after a former adidas executive was convicted in the college-basketball corruption trial: “It looks like he will be wearing gear with a whole new set of stripes.”

— Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, on the flap over WWE scheduling a November show in Saudi Arabia, in the wake of journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s murder: “Now that’s a first: Wrestling drama that isn’t staged.”

— Adam Stites of SBnation.com, on hapless Arizona’s 1-6 start: “If the Chiefs and Rams offenses are playing chess, the rest of the NFL is playing checkers, and the Cardinals are in the corner chewing on the game pieces.”

— New Laker LeBron James, to reporters, on the team’s 0-2 start: “Team chemistry is not like instant oatmeal. It is not that fast.”

— Stephen Colbert, saying he’ll miss ill-fated Sears & Roebuck: “Especially on those days when you just want to buy a suit, a carpet, an air conditioner, a lawn mower, a foundation garment, an air hockey game and a tractor.”

———

All fired up

Two fires consumed seven cars in the MetLife Stadium parking lot during last Sunday’s Jets-Vikings game — because of late-arriving fans unwittingly parking their cars atop hot coals dumped from tailgaters’ grills.

“Not the first time we’ve been burned,” sighed a fan wearing a Vernon Gholston jersey.

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No-shows galore

A 6-year-old boy in Tucson, Ariz., invited 32 classmates to a pizza party but no one showed up.

Or to put it in NFL terms, just like the L.A. Chargers feel at every home game.

———

They’re the vice squad

SV Gossendorf, a lower-division soccer club in Austria, raised some hackles with league officials when it promised fans 19 and older a drink voucher courtesy of team sponsor Bar Inkognito — a local bordello.

So when is Red Light Giveaway Night?

———

Quote, end quote

— B.C. comic Torben Rolfsen, on Toronto’s 0-7 record in CFL road games: “The Argonauts don’t travel well, which is ironic.”

— RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Peyton Manning’s 2015 retirement: “If you’re keeping stats at home, this year Eli Manning has won one more game than his brother.”

— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, on Chris Sale, Boston’s 6-foot-6, 180-pound ace lefty: “Now, I don’t want to say Sale is skinny, but if the Red Sox wore pinstripes, he would wear a pinstripe.”

— Comedy writer Brad Dickson, after Minnesota lost 53-28 to winless Nebraska: “How bad did the first half go for Minnesota? Goldy Gopher was just picked up by a Humane Society van.”

— Red Sox utility man Brock Holt, to reporters, on why he’s not going to cash in on teammate Mookie Betts’ stolen base in Game 1 of the World Series that earned customers free Doritos Locos Tacos at Taco Bell: “You’ll end up on the toilet all night.”

— Nick Rousso, via Facebook, not impressed with the upcoming Tiger Woods-Phil Mickelson pay-per-view golf match: “Four-plus hours of two guys walking around an empty golf course? Tiger will need to drop several F-bombs to get your money’s worth.”

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©2018 The Seattle Times

Visit The Seattle Times at www.seattletimes.com

Copyright 2018 Tribune Content Agency.

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