Stop the remake madness!


April 27, 2010 at midnight
Updated April 28, 2010 at 11:29 p.m.

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez

OK, Hollywood, I get it. Times are tough. Everyone is scaling back on their spending money.

You guys are money-hungry leeches who wouldn't know artistic integrity if it bit you on your highly over-paid arse.

So, I get it. I do. You make remakes because it's more of a sure thing than a script that is unknown to the public and oh, I don't know, creative.

But enough is enough. I'm not sure what the final straw was; perhaps hearing about the remake of "Short Circuit" or maybe finding out that J. Lo was starring in the new "Overboard," but I can stay silent no longer.

(I mean J. Lo!? Seriously?!).

Hollywood, this remake madness has to stop. At this point, you have run out of good movies to remake and are now just scraping whatever is left at the bottom of the celluloid barrel.

Does the world really need another "Death Wish"? Of course not. We didn't need the first one.

Now, I'm not one to tell people how to do their jobs, but I'm going to tell you how not to do your job. First of all, you are relying much, much, much (MUCH) too heavily on the '80s for good ideas.

Remember shoulder pads, mullets and neon? Yeah, any decade that considers those things the height of fashion is not necessarily a gold mine for good cinema, my friends.

Now don't get me wrong. I am a child of the '80s and thus have fond memories of the decade (poodle perms and all).

But don't you think it's a bit early to be remaking something I remember the first time around? The point of a remake, in my oh-so-humble opinion, is to introduce a new generation to it, not to revive something made when I was 8 when I'm 28.

Another problem with this remake craze is that you are underestimating your audience.

You're arrogantly assuming that us poor little sheeple will only go to movies we recognize or remember from happier times, no matter how much it sucks.

Apparently, us scared little citizens living through these uncertain times would never dare venture to see a movie that wasn't based on another movie, or a book or a comic or ... (gasp) ... a blog.

Well, you know what, Hollywood? We would. However, it seems you are determined not to give us that chance. Instead, you want to give us live action "Smurfs" or Justin Bieber running around as a Wolverine in the new "Red Dawn."

(Note to readers: OK, neither of those is true ... yet).

And lastly, have a little faith, not only in movie-going audiences, but also in your screenwriters.

There are some highly talented ones out there with (and I know you aren't used to this word, but bear with me) original ideas.

So, quit being babies and take a chance on something new.

I mean, let's be honest. The worst that can happen is that you only make $99 million on it, not $100 million. It'll be tough. I know.

But American movie-audiences will thank you for being so brave, even though you had your heart set on that third Bentley.



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