An open letter to the real-life Russian spies


July 23, 2010 at 2:23 a.m.

Dear Real-Life Russian Spies That Recently Got Busted:

Seriously, guys (and hot red-headed chick)? Really? This is how you represent your craft? The long and time-honored tradition of international espionage?

Well, I'll be the first to say it. It is utterly unacceptable.

First of all, you got caught. You're SPIES, man! Although I've never actually seen a spy handbook, I'm pretty sure the No. 1 rule is don't get caught. And I'm assuming the No. 2 rule is that if you do get caught, you're supposed to swallow a cyanide pill to protect your secrets.

But NO! Not you guys. You got busted, and now all your mugs and information are all over the news. Not to mention, you spent time sitting in jail cells like a bunch of schlubs. I mean, come on, guys (and hot, red-headed chick). You know as well as I do that you're supposed to snap the necks of the prison guards, escape using some awesome gadgets disguised as everyday items and head back to Mother Russia without a trace. But no! Instead you were put on a plane and calmly sent back to your country without even TRYING to hijack the plane.

Secondly, you guys are starting to tarnish the awesome reputation spies have, thanks to all the hard work of Hollywood (although hot, red-headed chick did do her part in looking hot). You lived in the SUBURBS? You planted FLOWERS in your GARDEN? People described you as NICE? You tried to infiltrate "policy-making" circles? You haven't even killed ANYBODY!?!

I bet you guys don't even own a tux OR drink martinis.

What you guys (and hot, red-headed chick) fail to realize, apparently, is that on the totem pole of cool personas, spies are right below ninjas and right above assassins (but, you know, only the assassins that kill all the bad guys). Pirates, naturally, come in at a close fourth.

You have one of the coolest jobs on the planet! And while, yes, you did do at least some cool spy-ish stuff, like write messages with invisible ink and make exchanges at crowded depots, that is no excuse for spending the rest of your time stuffing your face with McDonald's and being a part of the neighborhood carpool just like the rest of us bumbling non-spies.

I mean, our country has long been fascinated with spies. It's why every few years there's a new Bond movie and movies like the just released "Salt," with Angelina Jolie bring in the big bucks. We love our Michael Weston and Jason Bourne and spies are the reason why more than just a few fistfights have broken out in the workplace over who made the best Bond (It's Sean Connery, Robert, and you know it, you jerk!).

And then you guys (and hot, red-headed chick) come along and ruin our fantasy.

Well, I hope you're happy. I hope those stupid U.S. secrets you sent back to Siberia were worth ruining every American's idealistic view about spies.

Unless ... unless perhaps that's what you meant to do all long. Could it be that your actual mission was to destroy our country's morale by making it seem like real-life spies weren't nearly as cool as we thought, thus plunging all of us into a deep depression, making it easier for you to swoop back into the country to steal our designs for a top secret weapon that could bring about world domination as we're all laying in our beds WATCHING RERUNS OF "BURN NOTICE" AND SOBBING INTO OUR PINT OF CHUNKY MONKEY?!?

Hmm ... well, well, well, real-life Russian spies (and hot, red-headed chick). It seems you have redeemed yourself, at least a bit. I look forward to seeing how you plan to pull off the rest of your plan.





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