A guide to superhero facial hair
May 5, 2010 at 12:05 a.m.
Updated May 6, 2010 at 12:06 a.m.
There is nothing better than a superhero. That is, except for a superhero with facial hair. And no one does face follicles more justice than Tony Stark.
But Iron Man isn't the only comic book character that's sporting some peach fuzz. As such, I have created a crucial guide to superhero, sidekick and villain facial hair to help you weave your way from the Van Dykes, to the Chin Straps, to the Copstache Standards.
Often worn by law enforcement in superhero movies, such as Commissioner Gordon, this mustache says, "Hey, I'm in charge." It also says "I grew this in 1974 and haven't felt the need to update my look since." For further information, reference Tom Selleck.
The Stark Naked Goatee
It's a goatee ... but just barely. But when you have that much money and an iron suit that can single-handedly take out terrorist groups, you can shape that goatee any freakin' way you want, chief.
The Foreign Villain
How can you tell if that guy with the Russian accent is evil? If he happens to sport this facial atrocity, a la Mickey Rourke in "Iron Man 2," he most definitely is. This also works for villains from the Middle East, most of Asia and Canada.
The Kryptonite Stubble
Far more than just a mere 5 o'clock shadow, this look says "I'm practically invincible, but man, am I having a bad day." It should only be attempted if you are clean-shaven and Boy Scout-ish the other 364 days of the year.
The Peach Fuzz Poser
When you're a nerdy scientist like Bruce Banner, even growing facial hair can be difficult. Oh sure, it's facial hair, it's just, well, sort of lame. Word to the wise, though. Never actually admit that to their face. You wouldn't like their facial hair if it was angry.
The Wooly Weird Beard
Ridiculously thick sideburns? Check. Barely there chin strap? Check. Hint of mustache? Check. An extremely difficult look to pull off, do not attempt unless your name is Wolverine or your biceps could crush skulls without even being flexed.
Santa may have perfected the big, bushy white beard, but anyone with The Anti-Santa most definitely does not have a belly that shakes like bowlful of jelly, as King Leonidas from "300" proves. But they do have the gift to kill you within 20 seconds.
The French Fork with a Twist
A unique look like this is reserved for smart alecks who can kill a vampire while in the same breath make a quip about your lack of manly prowess. It also helps if you have killer six-pack abs and/or a marriage license with Scarlett Johansson's name on it.