The five stages of Post-Potter Traumatic Disorder
Nov. 18, 2010 at 5:18 a.m.
It's all getting ready to come to an end. After spending more than a decade with Harry and Co. at Hogwarts, the epic saga will come to a close next summer as the last movie, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2," is released in theaters.
For many fans, this will be a trying time and you may find yourself suffering from Post Traumatic Potter Disorder. Worried that may be you? Well, below we've outlined the five stages of PTPD and what you can expect as you try to come to grips with the end of "Harry Potter."
1. Denial and isolation
The first stage of Post Traumatic Potter Disorder is denial and isolation. It's likely during this phase, you will avoid your family and friends and lock yourself in your room, where you manically churn out page after page of "Harry Potter" fan fiction, as you blare the movie soundtrack from your iPod.
At this stage, you will be angry that there are no new books or movies coming and will most likely direct this anger at J.K. Rowling. Eventually, however, you will realize how useless it is to be angry at her considering: 1. You don't actually know her, and 2. She's so filthy, stinking rich that even if she did know you were angry at her, she could give a owl's patootie about it.
Naturally, you will then want to direct your anger somewhere else, but just remember - no matter how much you may want to, you must resist the temptation to punch a Twi-Hard in the face.
During this stage, you will try bargaining for new Potter material, whether trying to make a deal with God, sending J.K. Rowling numerous, stalker-esque e-mails or even summoning a demon at the crossroads. You will find yourself saying things like, "In exchange for my first-born" and "I will sacrifice a Trekkie if you do this."
The fourth stage is composed mainly of eating more than 10,000 calories a day of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Jelly Beans (even the ones labeled "Ear Wax") and drowning your sorrows in butterbeer. Also expect rocking back-and-forth in the fetal position as you clutch your exact-replica Ollivander wand and mutter "Expecto Patronum" over and over again.
At the final stage, you will finally accept the reality that there will be no new "Harry Potter" books or movies. Feelings of wanting to kidnap J.K. Rowling and forcing her to write another book in an abandoned, snowy cabin somewhere in the mountains, a la Stephen King's "Misery," will wane. And should you find yourself slipping back into any of the other four stages, just remember, it's still bad form to punch a Twi-Hard in the face (even the annoying ones).