'Jersey Shore' and other signs of the apocalypse


Jan. 11, 2011 at 4:02 p.m.
Updated Jan. 10, 2011 at 7:11 p.m.

When I was in college, I signed up for a class on the biblical Book of Revelation. The reason for this was twofold:

1. The apocalypse has always fascinated me.

2. It fit into my tight TV-watching schedule and would allow me to watch reruns of "Dawson's Creek" at BOTH 10 and 11 a.m. on TBS before heading to class.

Now, even though I ended up with an impressive C-plus in the class, make no mistake. I am by no means an expert on the End Times. In fact, only a few things have stuck with me after all these years, such as the harlot, the four horsemen and when Joey left Dawson for Pacey.

But when all the stories of birds falling dead from the sky and fish croaking in the ocean started surfacing, that old curiosity started piquing again, especially when people began linking it to an impending apocalypse. Like any good journalist, I started scouring the Internet for more information and checking out websites such as RavingLunaticWithABlog.com.

The more I thought about it, however, the more I started to think we're focusing a little too much on this whole "thousands of animals are mysteriously dying" angle. Sure, it's weird. But any weirder than, say, how Val Kilmer now mysteriously looks like a pumpkin?

Plus, Kirk Cameron said it wasn't a sign of the apocalypse, and he played Mike Seaver on "Growing Pains." So, I mean, how much more proof do you need?

Of course, that's not to say that there aren't signs of the apocalypse all around us every day. They're just not quite as obvious, which is why I made a little list I like to call "Less Obvious But Still Somewhat Sinister Signs of the Impending Apocalypse."

And so ... ahem ...

"Jersey Shore" is back on the air (combine that with the fact Snooki "wrote" a book, and no jury in the world would blame God for giving up hope and ending it all).

There is now a McDonald's inside the Louvre.

My husband vacuumed yesterday ... after only being nagged TWICE.

Seth Rogen is playing a superhero.

We celebrate Christopher Columbus, a man whose only gift was his bad sense of direction, and yet despite repeated attempts by yours truly, there is still no Ryan Reynolds Day (not even in Canada).

There are more farms in Farmville than in real life.

Joan Rivers is still alive and has body parts younger than me.

My grandmother has a cellphone.

Paris Hilton might be pregnant (this one is a twofer, considering that if she IS pregnant, her spawn has a 98.7 percent chance of being the Anti-Christ).

The McRib came back.

I've actually kept my New Year's resolution to no longer make fun of Justin Bieber in my columns.

Justin Bieber sucks (Oopsie...scratch that last sign).

They still haven't made a Wonder Woman movie.

Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi on Twitter.

Joss Whedon doesn't have a show on TV.

Bumblebees are dying off at an alarming rate, and yet spiders, snakes and cockroaches are doing just freakin' fine and dandy.

But never fear, dear readers. Even though the end may be near, just think of it this way: Can an eternity in the lake of fire be much worse than sitting through an episode of "Jersey Shore"?

Aprill Brandon is a reporter for the Advocate. If anyone from TBS is reading this, please bring back "Dawson's Creek" reruns.



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