Aprill Brandon is a feature columnist who writes about life for the Victoria Advocate.

Aprill Brandon

Aprill Brandon

In a misty corner of the Forgotten Realm, on an old road leading into the city of Neverwinter, three strangers meet at a crossroad. Each is coming into the city for the same reason, having been summoned by a dwarf named Gundren Rockseeker.

“Greetings. I am Anneke, an Eladrin Ranger.”

“Hi! My name is Princess! Princess the Princess Daring!”

“I’m Orko, and I’m a wizard. But you can’t see me because I cast a spell of invisibility. And I have lasers in my eyes.”

Alas, the wizard was wrong. He had neither the spell for invisibility yet nor did he have lasers in his eyes.

“Aw, man. Not fair.”

The quest is a seemingly simple, if mysterious, one. The adventurers are to bring a wagonload of provisions to the settlement of Phandalin, with Gundren offering 10 gold pieces each. The dwarf is secretive about the reasons for the trip but 10 gold pieces has put no one in the mood to ask questions.

And so, the ranger, the wizard and the cleric…

“What’s a cleric?”

The ranger, the wizard and the priest are walking along the High Road when they veer east along the Triboar Trail. Soon they spot two dead horses in the road, each riddled with arrows.

“How many arrows? Where are the arrows?”

“What color are the arrows?”

“Can they be purple arrows?”

The arrows are numerous and normal arrow colored. They have hit the horses from behind in the rear.

“Rear means butt.”

“Hahahahaha! You said ‘butt!’”

“We approach the stop picking your nose I don’t want to have to tell you again dead horses.”

Suddenly four goblins run out of the bushes and attack. The adventurers...

“Hit them in the eye. With an arrow. Two arrows! Ninety-seven 50 eight arrows!”

Princess the Princess Daring hits a goblin in the eye with one arrow.

“I throw more arrows at his face!”

The goblin with the arrow in his eye is already dead.

“But I want to do more things to the goblin!”

“Since I’m a wizard, can I do magic to bring the goblin back to life? So we can kill him again? Using the spell Banana Poop Poop?”

“Hahaha ... poop.”

Orko the Wizard tries to cast the spell Banana Poop Poop to bring the goblin back to life but the goblin is still dead.

“That’s not fair!”

“YEAH. I WANT TO DO MORE KILL-Y STUFF.”

“Alright, well, I’m going to make a side quest to the kitchen to get more wine.”

While Anneke goes off on a noble side quest to refill her comically and unnecessarily large wine glass...

“...I heard that…”

...the remaining goblins continue to attack. Princess the Princess Daring…

“Can I throw art supplies at them?”

“Art supplies. That’s dumb. You’re a dumb princess.”

“You’re dumb!”

“No, you are!”

“I throw 80 billion 40 20 seven arrows at your eye!”

“I’m back. What did I miss?”

“I throw an ax at Princess the Princess Daring’s head!”

“I punch Orko in his stupid face!”

“Oh yeah, this is definitely bringing us closer together as a family.”

“Can we play this again tomorrow?”

“Where did Daddy...I mean the Dungeon Master go?”

“If I roll a 20, you guys want to see me chug this wine?”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!”

To be continued …

Probably.

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Aprill Brandon is a columnist for the Advocate. Her column runs every two weeks in the Your Life section. Comment on this story at VictoriaAdvocate.com.

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